It doesn't matter anymore !!!

I have been losing my temper quite a bit these days... and it had made things turn to worse sometimes. I think I don't see the things as positive as I used to. It could also be a reason that there is not enough positive aura around me. People still think that it wasn't a right move to come back, and it is pressed against me time and again. I guess that the feeling was of being not wanted is the reason for short temperament. I think it all boils down to how you feel from within. If you feel that you are unwanted then YOU start thinking that why the hell should you care, and it shouldn't matter to people what you do if they don't want you here or are not exactly fine with it. Living with a condition is inherently different than accepting and embracing it.

At times I look back and try to decide whether it was correct to do what I did and decisions I took. Decision to move on with her, decision to leave all of it and come back or leave all this in the first place. Only answer that I get is that whatever I did was right in that context, but the real question is that was it worth it? Only reasonable outcome of it all is that it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter anymore if I loved someone, it doesn't matter anymore if I stayed back, it doesn't even matter anymore if I come back tonight or not. I guess only thing that matter is NOW. With all this arrogance and short temperament within, I don't know what is it going to be.

Yeh kya jagah hai dosto, yeh kaun sa dyar hain...

had – e – nigaah tak jahaaN, gubaar hee gubaar hai...

There is just news..Not Good or Bad

Evidently the times are bad. All I end up writing here is about deaths and bad things. Another one hit me last week. The count was to be two almost. I won't write about who were the people and what happened to them because it won't matter & to people whom it matters know it already.

    I have been pushing this post for so long now. and for the sole reason that I didn't have anything to add to it except obituaries and condolences. It had made me feel that there is nothing good around. I don't think I have heard any good news in quite some time now.

Ofcourse as an alternate theory, There is just news. Its not good or bad. All this has made me think about many things in tandem and look at things in a different perspective. I think with the passing of time all things are in there for a reason. Also, these events have strengthen my belief that everything that happens to us is a result of what we have done. Now it may sound a bit Zen or theological, but if you think upon it you may find me correct. I believe that this is how Karma behaves. Concept of Paap-punya is directly related to the luck or Naseeb as you may call it. In short, everything that you do or not do, comes back to you, Good or Bad. As an example, and pretty harsh one, WE did not care about the security of our office last year and it resulted in a burglary, which in turn upset many things. I guess my point here is that we should not only be seeing what we ARE doing but also what we are NOT doing. While doing ensures that you are moving forward, NOT doing would make things go even worse.

Coming back to more sane world, I think we are not doing too good professionally. I don't see how we are going to be businessmen. I am trying to change the mindset from self-employed to businessman but I think there is a gap. Either one of us, me or them, is assuming something. This assumption is I think the gap. Maybe its just the acquaintance that we have. Hmm.. Yes this could be the reason. Now it makes me think that since we all are so connected personally, we assume that the other one understands our Point of View. Now this is progress. I think I have found a gap while writing this, and this may help us look at the things from a new angle. Load off my chest.

Signing off...

Condolences

With a heavy heart, I write about untimely demise of another sister in such a short time। Ironically, her demise is connected to the birth of new being. Presh has lost her sister to a medical complication during final stages of pregnancy. No words can fill the void that she has left. May Lord give her rest and peace in His Holy Abode . May God also give strength to all the people connected to her to bear the loss.

Responses...

I went through Sachin’s blog sometime ago. He has expressed about the loss of one of his friends at workplace. It was a due to some layoffs by company but which was apparently not publicized. I guess it was the surprise element that provoked Sachin’s thoughts in the direction which translated to words on his blog. All, who want to go through what he wrote, can visit http://sachin-sud.blogspot.com for a scoop.

Those words pretty much reflected my thoughts. Thoughts, that occurred to me when I left Jalandhar around 3 years ago. It is indeed sad to know and go through a phase where you have to do away with people to whom you are so well connected. This connection can be physical, emotional or spiritual. This connection can still be strong enough even if you haven’t met the person, as in Sachin and his friend’s case. My question here is that do we actually need a connection to sustain a relation. What if that connection is severed? Can we not find another connection to sustain the relation? I guess the answer lies in the fact that if it was a relation to begin with? Or was it just a connection? If it was a connection, then I am afraid that it was bound to be broken; and if it was a relation then only thing that can kill it is lack of effort from either side to retain it. I have talked many times about the necessity and importance of effort in a relation. In any case, Sachin is not finished with his thoughts on it, so I may be commenting too early on it.

Coming back to me, it is now around two months after my return to Jalandhar. I think it has been a pretty fine period. I agree that it hasn’t been as great as I thought, but hey, it was never supposed to be a cakewalk. I guess breaking old traditions and systems is easier said than done. I feel that the most difficult part is to eliminate the micro management culture that is prevalent here. I want to setup a fine system where responsibilities can be delegated and taken care of. Not that responsibilities are not delegated now, but the level of micro management practically renders the practice useless. I guess it is no use handing something to someone and then keep on nagging every two minutes. It is like undermining his/her capability and making him/her feel their incompetence. Anyways, I know that it is a tough job but I also know that it will be done. Sooner than later.

Lord bless all.

Collecting thoughts

"Its been a long time since I have added anything here...A lot of water has passed under the bridge since my last post...Although it was more of retaliation than reflection of thoughts...."

This is how I started this post almost a week ago... Full of thoughts, rage and disappointment. There have been some intricate things going on that kept me busy throughout....Reflecting on which I think they were more trivial in nature than intricate...

Coming to recent things, I celebrated my birthday this week... It has been a great event, thanks to some great people... Had it not been a combined effort by all, it would have been a different night altogether... Everyone put their best to enjoy themselves... Manish with his knack to arrange for things at the last moment, Presh with his handling, Terry with his usual jovial self, Chabbra ji for uncut humor and Jagpal, Anshu, Vivek & Bhalla with their ability to enjoy without reservations; made it a grand success... You can visit http://picasaweb.google.com/harjotsandhu/BirthdayBash to see what it was like...

It was a real effort by my IBM folks. It was almost an insurmountable task to come to Jalandhar and get back to Delhi in span of 24 hours...

TO ALL, WHO REMEMBERED THE OCCASION, YOU MEAN A LOT...AND TO THOSE WHO FORGOT, I STILL LOVE YOU....

Hmmmmmm

I came in here to write something after completing one month off IBM. I had some disconnected and distinct thoughts that I wanted to share here... However, all that has taken a backseat now as I just went through a comment on my last post... It struck me like a sledge hammer and I had all the right and means to moderate the comment and not publish it. I however chose not to do so and let the spirit of free speech stay alive. This, it seems is not a mutual thought among many. As clearly intended from the said comment, our chosen way was off track to get our voices heard or opinion counted. The comment also sounded like placing me in the center of all that happened. My take on it is, that if I had an influence over others to do this to our leader, which clearly wasn't the case; then he deserved this. There is no point of it all if we can't take a feedback professionally, and I deny to clarify myself to anyone who thinks that it should have been taken personally and rated as such.

I guess there were enough efforts from the side to generate a dialogue which almost EVERYTIME ended up as an arguement and not discussion. I also see the root of the problem as people, who for all these years have denied to question the authority. I distinctly remember Ritesh telling me to introspect for EVERYTHING that I talked to him about. I guess he didn't introspect enough to foresee it. I would again point out that if I can influence people against a leader, then I think he is not the leader for them...

I guess this rage will not let me write about anything else at this time... So long. Lord help all...

Currently.......

Its been a week here now. It is actually more than that, 12 days that is. These days have been a very struggling as far as settling in goes. I am still not able to get a sleep of more than 6-7 hours & enjoy a weekend at home. This whole diaspora of being at home has not been realized yet. I guess it will take some time before feeling actually start to sink in.

I am still in touch with many of the IBMers, though its not much that we talk about. It is general chit chat and thats where it all ends. I definitely miss all of them. I miss messing with Ritesh, I miss singing with Atri jee, I miss gorging with Jagpal, I miss flirting with Mano, Sneha, Jo, Geetika, Shaleenee and who not; I miss baklol with Anshu, I miss desipan with Garry, I miss hindi with Vinay, I miss everything. I don't see a place to have late night snack & I don't see a place to buy the drinks after hours.

It seems like that you actually can't beat a metro at all, let alone NCR.

Yeh dilli hai mere yaar, bas ishq mohabbat pyar...

Old Place...New Beginning....

Here I am...Sitting in my offfice at Jalandhar.....Still trying to recover from Jet lag...It is day two and I was already off work for the day..Just come in to replace Terry for the rest of the time...He had to leave, you know...

I am still trying to figure out the system and things to do before actually implementing any improvements to it...I guess I am just a day old here and one waste elimination idea is not bad.....The idea though is not entirely mine, but what good is an idea without implementation....
I think that options are available in abundance for changes to be made..The tough thing is to decide on what to do and how to go about it... Also the expectations and accountability is almost on magical levels, it seems... Nothing new though... Problem this time, however is that, that is why I am here now.... In case there are any issues in changes or transitions, I don't think I can justify myself...Not that I need to explain it to anyone, but to myself as well... I guess thats criminal's guilt building up.... Leaving IBM seems like leaving home now.. The feeling has finally started to build up and I hope it subsides too....
मुझ से बिछ्ढ़ के खुश रहते हो,
मेरी तरह तुम भी झूठे हो.

Ex-IBMer... Current professional...

I am an Ex-IBMer finally...It has been a highly speculative time... Some people believing it all to be a big joke that turned out out to be shocking truth... Now, I didn't feel any different today than any other day at office. Everything was so usual except the people's behavior toward me... They had this feeling that I can't describe.. Everyone was talking abut the same thing and asking the exact same questions...Some people still found it hard to believe that I would not be walking the calculus floor again...Not for quite some time at least...

Question that comes to my mind now is that if it will make any difference in my mindset...Will not being a part of IBM make any difference in how I look at myself....This is keeping in mind that I was a minuscule part of it and it actually didn't make any difference to the bigger universe...People move in and out of organizations everyday...I have taken the jump but will I be able to cross the quarry...After being so detached to and independent of family, Will I be able to hold on to all of it at once..Will it not overwhelm? I know it sounds negative and foolish, especially when there is no looking back...but the question still remains...

I guess Gaurav wins here...Its My way or Highway.....

Crossing the Iron Curtain...

Finally, I have decided to move on from my current position...Yes..I have resigned from IBM and now moving back to Jalandhar to join Impel....yet again..The decision has not been taken on impulse nor has it been decided overnight...It has taken a long time and a lot of thought..Of course it has its own share of speculations to it, but overall it has been a very much thought of step.. I have taken into consideration the valuable inputs from all around including, but not limited to, Prabh, Jagpal, Anshu & Nikhil. Yet manu other have expressed their doubts and concerns about the move , i guess overall it has been received well....The decision that is....Sunny is visibly upset about it, sole reason being that he would be left alone in almost a quarter of a year. Same sentiments have expressed by others at office as well, primarily Ritesh and Anshu. Jagpal has in hidden words said so as well(mai bhukkha reh jaana kanjra) but I think he is happy for me overall...

Professionally, I think it would be smart to move to my core skill. Something that I have attached myself since my school days. Impel. I don't think I can detach myself from it anyways, with or without working with them. I consider it more of working with them instead of working for them. The feeling about fact that I would be returning to base in 10 days or so is very different. I don't think I am feeling anything different though. It is mixed with pangs of sadness, confusion, sympathy and what not, but I guess it is all part of game. that is what it is at end of the day. A game which we all are trying to beat the life at.

प्यास बुझा सकता नहीं, मेरी बस इक्क पैमाना

मुझको तोह बस पीना है मय्खाने का मयखाना.

Transitions..Changes..Broader Views...

These past 15 days have been a heck of a time...Too many things and I guess too short of a time...

First things first, Gopi got married last weekend..yep our own Casanova is now committed to one.

The occasion however brought it's own set of problems for us..First we had to find a new place for us, that is Me, Prabh & Sunny. Believe me it has been the toughest job since landing in Delhi. We are finally settled into a PG now...Yep, provided the current condition we are in, it is better to live in a PG....

Second significant thing that has happened in this period is that Kapil has resigned from his position as DM quality to join another organization in a better position and better conditions. For all those who don't know who he is, I guess it doesn't matter to them. Obviously, if you don't know him then it should not concern you. Its been a quite an experience working with him. And I must say that it has not been pleasant ride all along. As with any other relationship, personal or professional, this one also had its ups and downs. We hated to love him and loved to hate him at times...It was other way round as well at some point...But I guess that happens with everyone, everywhere. Honestly, no grudges or regrets...It is all part of game I guess...You win you lose but you keep on playing... Thanks Kapil...for being there..doing that....

Third thing that is over my mind these days is actually an urge, not an event. I have this strong feeling of leaving all this and returning back to my place. This thought has been triggered by a proposal to join Impel, back at home, somewhat persistently. Manish and Terry has offered me to join back in better position and improved conditions. I would be leaving for Jalandhar this weekend to discuss he proposal. I might decide to return to base finally. I have my reservations to it though। In case I don't fit in there, like I felt earlier, I don't think I have the option to move out and start all over like I did 3 years ago. This decision would decide if these three years were invested or wasted. I have been trying to talk to Ritesh (my manager) about it for last couple of days but he is too busy to talk about anything else. I don't want it be a surprise for him. I guess it would be a shock for him. Although I know that he won't acknowledge it.

I guess somethings are better left to destiny. They should be dealt only when faced with them.

Lets see...It is just a couple of days before I am actually into the mode to decide about it. This would need a lot of thought and urging (self-urging rather) to make a move. Now I understand what crossing the Iron curtain mean.

Again. These are for you Kapeel.. :-)

करोगे याद तोह हर बात याद आयेगी, गुज़रते वक्त की हर मौज ठहर जायेगी ।

गली के मोड़ पे सूना सा कोई दरवाज़ा, तरसती आंखों से रास्ता किसी का देखेगा,

निगाह दूर तलक जाके लौट आएगी.

Condolences !!!

This post is dedicated to condole the loss of a dear one to one of my best friends....Anshu has lost his sister to unforeseen... No words can fill the void that the departed has left and no one can replace the any other person...She was what she was and no one can be her...or take her place...Yet so is the world's doings...We must move on....May the lord give Her family the power to bear the grief and move forward... May lord be with her and keep her in his shelter forever and ever....
कभी देखो मन नही जागे, पीछे पीछे सपनो के भागे,
एक दिन सपनो का राही चला जाए सपनो के आगे.

Disconnected Thoughts...

I see darkness... Darkness out there...Darkness in here...darkness standing on terrace...darkness sitting in a room...darkness of the night...darkness of the mighty heart...this makes me think...or this thinking makes me ponder..why is it such dark everywhere..be it me, anyone or anything..everything is of a dark shade..Even white seems like a faded shade of black...And no, I am not depressed or under influence of alcohol at the moment...and I am not frustrated at this time too... Its just that the thought came along with many other...

Other thoughts..that include my carrier, people around me..people far from me, people close to me & people away from me...I don't see the reason for being so connected...yet so disengaged...no one actually gives a damn about anything other than what directly or indirectly concerns them...Heck they don't even care about things that affect them indirectly...

And what about love...has there to be a commitment to it..has there to be a condition to it....
I know what you are thinking Prabh(meet), but its not about her alone...Its about any kind of love that you might think of...family..friends..work....anything....I prided myself for being a workaholic..but that love for work doesn't exist anymore...does that make me less committed to it..I don't think so...So if commitment doesn't demand love...How come love needs commitment...and if they are mutually independent..then why the hell do we have to talk about getting it out of our minds...I guess you see where I am getting to...I don't want to venture into that territory... I really don't want to..Let it rest here...

हजारों ख्वाहिशे ऐसी के हर ख्वाहिश पे दम निकले,
बहुत निकले मेरे अरमान, मगर फ़िर भी कम निकले.

Near future....Don't know....

I have taken a step to move away from my current situation...Problem is that I am not sure if that is what I will do... Of course I want to end all this and return to normal life, if it exists that is...but then, what do I need to do..or do I even need to do anything or just wait...I hope waiting is not what I should be doing...It is wise to make the hay while sun shines..So I should start the efforts now and look for things as they come... Its no harm in being prepared...

I even got an offer to return to base...in new improved conditions...My hesitation is that the conditions might come across again which forced me to jump the curtain last time...People are of opinion that this would not happen but then if it does, I don't think I can do another transition....All these choices are actually making things worse for me...and these aren't even realized into choices..these are just plans that are being formulated around me....

Returning back to base also would have some loss of face attached to it I guess.... Maybe returning is not an option..Maybe it is...but then that all would need an intimate, if not lengthy, discussion... A small pep talk is not enough to help me decide on such a big decision....I need someone to talk about it heart to heart...Another difference is that people are not assertive to this idea to the extent that they were sometime ago...If it would have been an offer a year or so earlier, I guess enough people would have plainly denied on it..but now, to almost everyone I talked to about it, sounds OK about it...Of course they have their own reservations but they are not the same kind that they had earlier..

So I don't know what future holds....not that anyone else knows but I don't even know what the flow is and where might I land up in a year or so...Help me decide...

Frustration...All around !!!

I have realized something this weekend...that frustration is much more prevalent than it seems...There are more people affected by it than what I am able to see...The realization came to me when I was consoling someone...We were talking about the frustration in both personal and professional life...and the question she posed was "Why me?" The answer came to me like a lighting bolt and in almost a reflex action I rattled it off...It wasn't actually an answer to her question but more of response to it...and that made me feel better as well personally. I said, and realized too, that there is no way we can know that it is happening only to us..There might be other people who are dealing with similar or may be more stress than us...Can anyone tell that she is in so much pain by just looking at her..No..not even the people she meets at the office daily...Similarly you can't tell what others are going through.... So stop pitying yourself and move on...

Then I realized that the same applies to me as well...Why be so frustrated with people around me... Why take it out on them??? After all this whole frustration thing is based on the assumed premise that it is happening only to me and all other are better off....Now this maybe right or wrong..but there is no way to know...So moving on is the only option that we have...

यूं तो मालूम है जन्नत की हकीकत लेकिन,
दिल के खुश रखने को ग़ालिब ये ख्याल अच्छा है...

Taste buds...Yummmmm!!!!

Hurrayy!!!! It is my 50th post ...and what better topic to write other than food and celebrations....

Naseer, one of my peers, got married last week... and by virtue of which I had my long desire fulfilled..to eat hardcore Muslim food..and believe me..it tastes as good as it looks....I don't remember when was last time I had such subtly flavored chicken lolly pop...or so soft Seekh kebabs....

Now some of you might find it offensive that I should be eating hardcore Muslim food being a Sikh...but I have another view on it...One, I shouldn't be eating any kind of meat in the first place...Second, If I do, that is eat meat, it shouldn't matter how is it cooked because you can't guarantee if its jhatka or halaal sitting in a restaurant....So my advice...go on and indulge if you eat meat....It doesn't matter who or where is it cooked as long as its hygienic..or at least projected to be hygienic....I mean what you don't know doesn't hurt you....kind of twisted but I call it reverse logic....

So coming back to wedding part..It was quite a lavish and liberal wedding compared to what we had imagined...lots of ladies around..and good food too..We had so much snacks that we could only so much for main course...It was a Non-vegetarian's heaven out there that night... and then we had a lazy cup of coffee at CCD while returning...Incidentally there were four Muslim women and a couple of guys at the CCD...All four ladies were wearing burkha...Seems like it was Muslim night out... :-)

I am craving for some more of the similar food...Probably I would end up eating some usual kebabs or chicken dishes...I think its time to sign-off coz writing about all this is pushing me more towards craving for the food....

Go on..Indulge...

Out of the Box...Really?

I was just going through the newspaper when an Advert caught my Eye...It was about a session by someone from American Society of Quality(ASQ). One of the topics that he was to talk about was thinking out of the box... It really made me think and a whole chain of thoughts unfolded...

I think that this whole concept is self contradictory...I may not be entirely correct but then, someone needs to clarify it...By definition thinking out of the box would mean thinking beyond your boundaries or from a new perspective...That means that we first need to define the box...and so that would mean that you must acknowledge the boundaries or blocks around you...I feel that this acknowledgement of the 'box' itself contradicts the concept...What or who, then, would decide what the box is...It cannot be you... because if you think that you are thinking out of the box that means you have decided upon the box...but what made you decide on that box size...You can define the domain of your authority...but can you really decide upon domain of your thinking?

So is this whole concept of thinking out of the box a management fad?....Seems so...but then..who knows...someone might have greater clarity on it...Lets see...I will comeback to it if I have some more insight...

Another transition???

I have spent time to introspect since my last post...and thought of another transition has crossed my mind more than once....Thought of leaving it all and starting onto something different..entirely out of it...where my work would decide what would it be and not other way around....of course every job is designated by some vision and goal but the kind of contorted vision that we are made to follow all this time has made me look at all this from a different point of view altogether... Maybe I will join Prabh in quest to finding a better option..Better in terms of personal life and peace of mind..probably job security and better prospects..This is not taking me anywhere...3D vision has started fading as it seems dark all around....All this time spent is all waste if there are no opportunities in here...that is I think the biggest problem of all... All the experience that you garner over time is of no use anywhere else...unless you are in managerial position for quite sometime of course...but that kind of position and profile is something that I don't see coming for quite sometime...and I am not the only one with this view...Seemingly this is common all around....from senior leadership to Operation workforce...FLs, TLs, DMs.....All seem to be bitten by the reality bug..but it probably is too late to deal with it...it is all uphill from here....and I don't mind going uphill if I know that there is a peak and I have it in visible range...no matter how far it is, I want to see the peak so I can decide to walk the path...Problem is I don't see the peak..I bloody don't even see the road to it.... All I can say is that these are tough times and I need to work it out before I go berserk and take some desperate &  disastorous step...

Itni shakti hamein dena daata...mann ka vishwas kamzor ho na....

Trip to heaven....and back

I was on a short trip recently to Amritsar... A real short one which infact was longer than my usual visit home..an extended weekend that is...I t was me, Jagpal, Anshu & Vivek on this trip...and all of us were us...No office, no targets, no KRAs, no nothing...

It had been a relaxing trip overall...Mentally at least, if not physically... Phsically we were kind of exhausted with virtual continuous travel...Delhi to Jalandhar to Amritsar to Jalandhar to Delhi....Three places..three days..and we were back on third day.....This trip has given me what I longed for quite sometime...a break..a  much needed break....

But it has been quite a different experience after coming back....I believe that everything that we experience is relative...and in this environment of relativity one have enough reasons to pity himself and/or commend himself....Whatever I do would be good compared to one thing and worse in comparison to another...The recent couple of days have been very unusual at the office...I have never seen the environment so uncertain...It seems like the Aura has taken a permanent dip... I see no positivity around me... All that I feel is a silence and sense to conceal things that may have some hideous faces...and this concealing dips the Aura further...I think its no use hiding things that are to be revealed sooner than later. It think this is the time where we need each other more than anytime in past or in any near future...The time sure is make or break but the real test lies in standing against whatever comes our way...As Sylvester Stallone said in Rocky VI,"It doesn't matter how hard you hit. What matters is how hard a hit can you take and still move forward" . So I am gearing myself for the hit...It may or may not come my way directly, but a hit is waiting...waiting in the shadows...stealthily..stalking me...everytime...everyday...That is one of the primary reasons that I try to be as cheerful as I can..to conceal the fear....to be there...ready to take the hit.... 'coz.....

I WILL NOT DIE !!!

Point of View

I am not going to say much. I am here to share a comment that I got on my last post. It is quite a long one but that is not the reason that I decided to put it as a post. You look at it and decide whether it should  have been here as a post or I should have left it as a comment. With no editing it goes...

"don't kno abt the person or relation but thing abt relations is if a person is not ready to sacrifice, then it turns out tht person is selfish for himself basically every1 is but to wht extent tht matter... there will b extremely selfish people ,selfless people, deceiving people, intelligent people list goes on and there are so many differences tht even after so much human population no two people are alike... so one has to look for some qualities and have to let go of other as its very difficult to find all the qualities in 1 person... its better if you cud love as many people as you can... respect every1... n should always remember tht all the emotions, relations, love, hate, anger is all there as long as there is life... it all ends once the life ends... one should kno its origin not just the paternal ones, as relation ends ones the body dies, but something lives, even after the body dies and from whtever source that power or soul comes, its final resting place is there, as without the originator of the source tht is God (there is very beautiful line in Guru Granth Sahib " jiyon jal mein aye jal ghatana, teon joyti sang jyot milana" it means they way waves are created from the ocean and they merge back into them in the same way souls or tht living power without form or colour or shape is created and will merge back into its source, tht is the final resting place (God)) everything else is small and not capable of fulfilling the persons needs.... actually people should live the life like(once i heard a beautiful example think might share it with you) this life is like a party the world is like a big home where there are so many guests who are invited specially to enjoy and have a good time without much restrictions where there's hardly anyone to say anything but the situation turns out tht people become/want things only for themselves and become selfish they just want to love some people of their choice and hardly care for others when they could have equally loved everyone and wonder why they arn't happy... they 4get tht everything thts created will end and there's just 1 reality which never changes and was there before creation and created everything, one tht has no end and thts God, without beginning, without ends, beyond all forms all colors, just cud recall some of the qualities mentioned by the Guru and we become so much engrossed in the beauty of the house tht we 4get our origin and purpose... and funny situation is people start thinking its their house their life there party and they have to do everything as much enjoyment or achievement in this life in this party as they can and tend to become selfish or end up hurting others in the process of their happiness... (as they have gone far away from the reality) tht its not possible for them to think beyond it... and farther they go away from the source the more sad and lonely they become... when happiness and fulfillment lyes within themselves, everywhere... the most worldly happiness i hav felt is wen i cud make some1 else happy and the worst feeling is wen because of me some1 else becomes sad or unhappy... or if i do hurt some1... otherwise the feeling which i have wen i hav been lucky enough or the beautiful moments wen i cud feel things without boundations or in tht state you can say spiritual phase is so beautiful tht i don't hav words to describe it... wish tht moment cud stretch for ever i don't feel like asking anything or wanting anything its like all the wishes and dreams has been fulfilled... tht they are very small compared to tht moment... i kno no drug or nothing else is capable of giving me so much happiness or is capable of taking me so high... but unfortunately my situation is like even after knowing things i tend to make mistakes, at times i do act selfish, wht my grandfather use to say "haath deepak kooayn(well) geray" tend to be apt for me... God's goona say dude u knew and still u mess up... so i try not to mess up and normally like and respect everyone and there are hardly any conflicts in my life, i see conflicts in others life and at times it become difficult for me to explain things to others but, this is life the creator, one who has created things is looking after it as well and he surely does a lot better job then i guess i can do so i don't even worry now... just be happy.. the minute you ar ready to scarifice knowing tht all the relations from mother father to friends to lovers to wifes will end with this life anf if u get a rebirth everything will start again new parents new friends new family new wife new commitments... and if even in tht life u live the same way guess tht life is wasted again n i guess (its quite futile to hate or waste the life in these things) unless guess God himself show mercy and wants the other to be pulled out as i have realised tht if i think tht m so capable, i cud pull myself n can kno all things and can get out of it... i cannot... unless rab khud mehar kare... so i can humbly prey tht he/ she might get peace soon and live life happily in God's HUKUM...

so i guess u can live happily love as many people as you can sacrifice as much as you can respect everyone as there's no one above or below you, every 1 is equal... from a kid to an extreme adult... everyone should be respected and least you can do is to accept the God's HUKUM and be happy... at times i feel tht people actually have nothing in their hands, as whtever the God has decided, will happen and only, the one, who is more powerful then God can change n thts not happening... so things ends here on him there's nothing without him.. i guess the poeple he blessed with fighting they fight, the ones he has blessed with loving they love, the ones he has blessed with working they work, the ones he has blessed with sleeping they sleep, the ones he has blessed with his name keep praying and the ones he has blessed with having faith in him have faith in him and the ones he has blessed with not believing does not believe in him God i can keep on writing his qualities feel like they never gonna end and someone like me he has blessed with thinking, thinks... so if you get something from here in normal language good otherwise the best source of knowledge is guru, guess when the time to learn comes people learn... so i want to end everything on him as i cannot think anything without him or beyond him he just in everything i can think about, n i guess m not gonna describe everything thts not possible as well... because his region is limit less, like him... so here i stop...

God bless waheguru...

Desh"

Decisions....

I was watching a movie the other day...One of the characters in the movie said that every decision has a reason. Go, find out the reason behind 'her' decision. That made me think & so I realized that it was so true. People may act as dynamic as they want and talk about deciding in shortest possible time but the truth is that no one decides on anything without any reason attached to it. Now the reason in itself maybe insignificant but since a decision involves two or more choices there is always a decider, a reason to pick one choice over the other; and it may be just pure bias or a choice based on past experiences but the 'Reason' is a sure thing. 

There is a reason to deciding to write about this now even though the Movie in question was watched last weekend & No, its not lack of time. The reason is a conversation I had with someone last night. Let's call him/her X. The conversation started on the usual light note discussing career, office politics and all and ended up on life's bad face. The direct result of our decisions. How does decisions affect our relations. Should we be even analysing and deciding about relations? X was so distressed that it felt like he/she needs someone to be close and let him/her vent out.  And all I could offer was silence.I didn't have answer to even one of the many Why's that conversation descended upon. Why do people have to weigh & analyse relations? Why does it happen only to me? Why does it have to be like the way it is? Why can't we be the way we want to be? and biggest of them all that me made me feel like crying, Why do we have to make decisions for our relations. I guess many of you might have guessed who I was talking to but that is not point, and it is insigificant, especially when the questions were so valid. Now it may sound rhetorical but believe me, it is very disturbing.I wanted to be so with him/her at that time but it all ended up in a silent closing of the call. Couldn't get my mind off it later.

Was my decision about you know what right? Shouldn't I be making choices that I made? Was it wrong to chose one of the two?

Still looking for answers...

Quite upset...Bursting !!!

I am truly upset with whatever happened yesterday at office... Some bloody rumors and I am blamed for it whereas I wasn't even bloody involved in it... I know its too many "bloodys" in a sentence but that is how I feel at this time... Bloody couldn't sleep well due to this F$%(%^ crappy thing going on in office....I think I will...I don't know what will I do... It seems so out of control... I am going to......aaaarrrgggghhhhhh!!! I bloody can't even say what I am thinking right now....

With these kind of people and confronting attitude, now I seriously think that this process is not going anywhere but the dumps....Its the decline of great Core... The best process of all is turning out to be a nightmare... and its all due to some poor vision and extremely short sighted approach... I mean what are people thinking...Seems like its in trend to consider the other party a fool and a complete idiot... Be it internal or external...I am not sure if I want to work here anymore...I am extremely disappointed with the way things turned out to be...Seems like the bubble has finally burst... I don't want to move out.. I like the place the people around me..but it's the atmosphere these days that is getting on my nerves now.... I don't think I would stay if I have the opportunity to move.... God knows what or where I might land up... I think it's time to look for alternatives.... PR here I come....

Shanti Shanti Shanti.....

Dost...Friends..Us...

I have just watched Dil Chahta hai.... I don't know how many times have I watched it....It doesn't make any difference to watchability....great re-playability... There are other movies with greater replay value but this one has got what no other movie has...It's got a different Point of View of friendship..... A highly realistic take on it... There has been other movies based on friendship as well but this one views it on a really different tangent... One specific thing that makes it different from other movies like sholay, dosti & Jaane bhi do yaaro is that it doesn't projects a friendship where a friends are under constant obligation of one another.  It floats on the basic premise of friendship based on understanding and intents...

For example, Aamir khan dunks Saif when he tells his girlfriend that Saif wasn't with him... but Saif doesn't react on it too much....Just a grunt and that's it....Why? Even though that made Saif breakup with his Girl doesn't make him dump Aamir...because he understands that that's how he is... This and other such demos of Mutual understanding is what makes it different from lot off other 'dosti' movies... 

It is not Zen to think that great successful friendship has lasted on the fundamental rule of understanding and giving room to each other.... Thinking about which also takes my thoughts to another dimension...Marriage.... Aren't good successful marriages based on the same fundamental premise... Can a marriage, be it love or arranged, be successful without these two things... Can any relation for that matter.... 

Then there is another essential but highly overlooked ingredient to this...Effort..yep you need to put in effort to conduct any relation.... It could be making an  effort to call by taking time off your "busy" schedule or visiting the people.... and its our own responsibility to make that effort. Its NOT OK to wait for other one to do it... I can't wait for him or her to make this effort... It might never happen...He could be thinking the same.... I can't risk it.. So I do it... People ask me sometime...Why do I have to do it...Why can't they come over.... But I tell them that someone has top make the effort to carry the relation... I chose to say carry the relation because that's How I look at it... I don't say its a burden that we carry, but I just say that we carry it.... 'Coz its our own conscious decision to continue a relation...Even blood relations are not spared of this choice...I have seen people not talking to their own brothers and sisters...This doesn't mean that they did not earlier as well. Somewhere down the line they decided to not to keep any relation with each other.... I have limited myself to a customary acknowledgment with some people who are related to me in some way... just a hello and that's where it all ends... 

I think I am digging too deep into this at the time....We will talk about it some other time... May be next time...:-) I have to make an effort to drag myself to market...I need some essentials...

Go ahead... Make your effort today... Don't under estimate it...Its a great thing to do...
Make some effort...

Assurance...

This is going to be a short post...I don't want to say anything this time... I just want to assure you guyz that its not on mind actively anymore... A lot of water has passed under the bridge... I chose to say 'actively' because I don't think I can just wipe it out but it can definitely be phased out... So coming back to point...

Sharirik kamzori kamzori nahi hundi...Mansik kamzori nahi honi chahidi...

And I am mentally as strong  as I was back in days...Anytime..Anyday...Anywhere....

The topic stands closed.... Peace to all....

Operation Growth...

Finally there is some progress on skill enhancement for next level..or so it seems like... My manager talked to me about the lefttover conversation that I wrote about sometime ago....He suggested that I get invloved in some new projects & attend client calls...This may not ensure any particular skill enhancement but will definitely provide the much needed exposure....I chose to use MAY here becuase I think talking to client and presenting the current position is as good a skill as anything else... So I took this opportunity when it was offered that is today.....I am yet to see the kind of talking that we need to do in order to get it right....

   However I have this big problem that I don't want to interfere in my plans...THE BASIC KRAs...Lets see how things shape up....

Love help all.....   

What!!! What? Whaatt???

I am feeling a bit unorganized these days..... Unable to concentrate on certain MUST DO things...like my KRAs at office and so on.... I am a bit confused too these days...I don't know about what though.... Its a tough time I know 'coz I can feel it...The heat is on....Menatlly...As JK Rowling put it in Harry Potter books...Its cold and hopeless around...Seems like Dementors are here..... I am not afraid....but just kind of confused.... Unable to concentrate is a big problem especially in kind of environment I am working in....I know I have to take care of it.... So thought of writing it down for easy digestion ..;-)......
There are confusions on personal front as well.... Not directly with me but about people around me.....One of us has decided to switch the girl he wants to marry....Its quite confusing provided he was hell bent on another girl sometime ago....actually just a couple of weeks ago....Sunny isn't too happy about his new position...He kind of feels that it is less challenging than what he is used to....
Anywayz I am going to wind it up hoping that I will find my rhythm soon...Soon enough to actually use it....

Festivities Ahoy....

Hey its MArch...Springtime....I was reading an article in one of the newspapers..It was about a letter from a woman in big city to anther one in small town... it said that "It must be spring time there, but we only have March". Technically its the same but if you look at the intentions and the feeling behind it goes way beyond words.....

Something as simple as a month turns out to be a totally different world and panorama for some one else....Things are kicking in and March is THE busiest month of the year in financial world....Indian financial world...After all the its the year ending....Everyone rushes to fill their ITR.... But should we not stop to smell the flowers... I know Robert Frost said that its miles to go before I sleep...but isn't it to long of a journey to be actually worth it....Placing things in perspective is as important as actually having them or experiencing them...I find it of no use to own something and not experience it..... After all if I have invested anything in it, money, time or effort, I should be rewarded fully for it..Value is the real offer in here...

So coming back to original question..Is it worth it.....All this journey...Aimless wandering....Zero chase....Wild one too.... 

I need light.....Lord give all...

A New Art.....

Its a new thing.... Maybe its not what I should write about..but I consider art separate from religious beliefs.... I have leart to roll a joint... A smoke joint.. It doesn't mean that I smoked it too... It was just a wild thought that crossed my mind and Sachin obliged.... It was a nice experience to roll a joint being so detached to smoking actively..... I categorically chose to say actively here because I smoke passively... And in the kind of environment that I work in its quite unavoidable.... I hope you guyz understand the gravity of not being part of sutta break... You miss on all the grapevine.... Just wanted to let you know...
So long...Good lord be with everyone....

Mayday..Black Hawk Down...

Jot is married now and we have another loss to the club.....Anyways it was inevitable... Maybe delayed but bound to happen... Like many other things.. probably my own marriage... But thats secondary thought considering my plans to hold it till next level..officially...  

  Coming back to Jot's wedding, I don't mind saying that it was most pompous wedding of all that I have seen in such relation at any time.. Whole wedding procession was on chariots..Yes you read it right... 4 of them all... The procession marched thru the province going along GT road and then towards Amritsar bypass to PAP campus... Thats where the destination was... And bride was brought home in chariot too.. Quite like Kings... It was 4 days of pure busyness and fun ... I chose to write busyness first because that is what it was primarily... There was a very distracting act at the marriage though... There were way too many celebrities invited by the Bride's side... Master Saleem, Rai Jujhar, Sarabjeet Cheema & Firoze khan among others..Yes there were more too... People were engaged with them rather than Bride & Groom...  Cheenu found it highly disturbing and frustrating.... Nevertheless, they were invited so they came..

    All in all it was a fun four days.. I didn't miss office... I guess no one does, unless they are sitting there doing nothing.... Clearly, no one is workaholic at the core.. You are tyhere for as long as you are there... I didn't realize where the four days went..I had elaborate plans to spend these four days.. To meet KD and go to Kosmic world were one of many programs on my agenda on this trip...  But what is past is outof scope any how.. So I will wait for the next trip... 

So long... 

Be there Do it...

Another one down...More to go...

We have another casualty in charra brigade... Jagpal is married now.... We lost another soldier and married platoon gained one.... Anyhow.. in a bigger view it all equals out because losing two soldiers(Bride & Groom) from charra brigade paves way for more soldiers to come(Kids of course...)

So there is no way charra brigade is getting new recruits if we don't lose soldiers to married platoon.... I will soon post some pics on my picture album at picasaweb....Of course the album would be available to only selected few on invitational basis only...

On a professional front, everything is not as jolly... Everyone has started feeling the heat around and few have got some burns too... Not to mention cold shoulders from managers when it comes to taking a stand that is in direct contradiction of current situations but was a prevailing scenario sometime ago... It feels like ethics have no meaning whatsoever and only way to survive is to kill someone else... SYA is the name of the game in here.... and like everyone else...front like gets the most casualties.... I don't understand how can I penalise someone for what we have been encouraging them to do... We own all the moral responsibility of behaviour of someone who is directly influenced by our actions and advise.... I think the problem is in the big picture... Seemingly, people at the top are looking at some big picture which they are not sharing with lower levels and still expect them to understand all the crticalities.... Its like dictating someone about a landscape and expecting them to paint it exactly like it is without even seeing it..I don't know where it all is going to land up.....

Coming back to jolly things, jot's marriage is cheduled for next... FYI, Jot is Cheenu's brother...Cheenu is is arriving here tomorrow to attend the marriage...I have taken some leaves from office too.. Hopefully we will have a blast of time.... Rest all is to be decided by the fate....

Peace to all.......

Ready for it??? Not yet....

I have been under immense pressure to inevitable...THE MARRIAGE.......Yes my frenz...everyone is trying to get me married...Earlier I thought that its only my family who is trying to push me into it....I soon realized I was under misconception because there were more people to it....Not immediate family but yes...quite close...And today I realized how immensely everyone is looking toward me for marriage.....I received a phone call from a total stranger ...(He was stranger to me, not to my family though) and he asked the question point blank....I decided not to talk to this unexpected caller & handed over the phone to Mom... Mom however forwarded the same answer that I had for him...1-2 years atleast before I decide to jump the gun.....

This makes me think of something else as well...What if I decide not to marry at all.. Is it even a possibility?....Will I be able to do it? How will everything end up??? Are we going to see what we are trying to forget..Again??? Maybe...Maybe not....But one thing is for sure....I am not sure if I would marry or not.......

Live life....

Fear or Terror.....I am thinking...

Hey there....Back again after a long stint....Have been busy in too many things in recent past...November to February being the peak season for our LOB, I have been hell lot of busy...Busyness to the extent of being hectic.....Infact we started joking about being overworked and underpaid.....Second I had undergone a minor chest surgery...It was a an abscess of 5X5 cms and had to be removed surgically....I did not need to stay in hospital for long.....Just a day and that too, to complete cashless formalities...Max HealthCare hospital it was...and quite a good one too....Unexplainable, majority of staff was from down south....On the contrary most of the doctors were from closer regions....I didn't get the reason for it because I saw a similar arrangement in Columbia Asia hospital as well, where I went for the initial diagnosis. Probably a bigger talent pool down there for nursing....

I have been thinking about another thing in recent past...Terror of another kind...I realized that it doesn't have to be killing or a massacre to terrorize people...Terror by definition is a overwhelming feeling of fear....So the current financial and economic situations is more terrorizing to a lot of people than 26/11 attacks in Mumbai.....Job cuts, Salary cuts, No appraisals...I can keep on counting the weapons of economic fear.... People have lost sleep over uncertain things...Going to office & not knowing if they would go to same job next day...or for that matter will they have a job at all or not....Thinking about which I have been worrying a lot..No I am not worried about the layoff.... I am worried about my performance and growth opportunities.... I don't want to be the one waiting for so long to move to next level so that I might need to think that I am in here for too long... But the kind of discussions and perception that I have been and projecting makes me rethink about my suitability... and I have also seen that your image plays an important, almost deciding, role in your growth...You have to be either complete crap or a total asset to be moved to next level.... and I don't think I fall in any of the categories.... Being somewhere in there is a really dangerous territory... Not unchartered but really crowded....and that has been my strength all along to be in there and above them.....
I am going to talk to my mangers about it now... I think I would do it sooner than expected...Although I know one them would say that its a bit too early to talk about it as I am not eligible for movement anyhow..HR policies you know... So its time to perform and not worry....

On personal front, She and me are on talking terms again..Though she is still sarcastic about lack of contact from my side....Sometimes I think that I may...forget it...I will close the day here......See you soon...
Life cares....

Wishes...Good times???

Hi All,
I wish you a very happy and fulfilling rest of the year.. I can't wish for the days that have passed..right?? Anyways, the time truly is for celeberations and leave the past behind in last year...and embrace what is to come this year..Though the year doesn't look bright on international level..I mean look at Israel's attack on Gaza...Pakistan versus India standoff....LeT in J&K...LTTE in Sri lanka....It all is a very grim picture and we all are testifiers to this time...I don't consider this time as 'I was there' moment..Actually I don't remember any time in recent past that qualifies for the title....
Anywayz the point in conversatin is to try and get this year straightened out... for ourselves atleast...This may sound mean but charity begins at home... I need to reform myself first before trying it on someone else... So leaving International tensions at international levels I am going to TRY to fix myself up..This starts with better time management...I think if I start to manage my time efficiently, that I agree I waste a lot, I can make things happen like no one else has done it before....So I am going to prioritize things a bit. I have tried it for sometime and it worked but couldn't keep it going for long... I hope to keep this one going for quite some time....

Light to All....

To Own or not to Own...

Hey Frenz!!! I am back....and I am into serious thinking about settling down.....And I am not saying this without any reason. For the first time in last two years, that is for the time I am here, thought to own a home has crossed my mind, and that too not once. I am thinking of owning a place so I believe that translates to thoughts of settling down..... You might not have noticed that I used own/owning where normally we would use buy/buying.
Point is that I think that buying doesn't make you owner in wider terms. I might own a thing without buying it. Now that can be inherited or vested upon to. Buying doesn't entitle us the right to own. I may buy something that does not belong to me so I don't own it. It surely is much simpler to write about it than to understand it.
Coming back to base conversation that we started. Reason that I have not done anything concrete about it is that I am still not sure about will I be staying here for the rest of my life. Strangely, I haven't thought of anything else as well. That makes matter worse for me. Since I haven't thought anything else, it makes it more difficult to think about next course of action. These two thoughts are pitted against each other and more delayed this decision is, more difficult it would be to implement it. Another factor in this state of indecision is the means to arrange funding for the place. After all its buy and then own, ;-). Dad is willing to fund the entire purchase but at cost of land we own, agricultural land that is. I am somehow not ready for it. Anyhow, I am going to think about it and plan some action around it.
So long.....

Happening Times !!!

Its been a very happening period for quite some time now. Prabhjeet is married and is off to his honeymoon. We are observing a turn around in management's perspective about different processes and guidelines after a few client side escalations.  

First things first, Prabhjeet (NOT Prabhmeet) is now married to a lovely lady Raman. She is from Patiala and its an arranged marriage. Who says arranged marriages are a thing of past? All I have seen till now is arranged marriages. And I don't find anything wrong with them as I have seen them succeed and sustain for as long as I can remember. However I have also seen some broken arranged marriages, but I know that this one will go far and stand the test of time. I know because I know Prabh. He has what it takes to get to next level. The way he has moved on with life has made me look things in a new light. I always thought that trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel is for losers. A tunnel tells you to go straight but its a 3D world and I can move to any direction to find news paths. Now I believe it too.The light has finally shone on me.

 

Let there be light and there is light.....

I WILL NOT DIE !!!

I got what i needed.. some motivation...a hug...Prabh sent me a virtual hug and lots of push....exactly what i needed in way i wanted.....I think thats why his surname is Dilbar...i always believed its on purpose...it can't be just coincidence...that was pre-meditated.

After this booster shot, i did what i do best..looked at it alternatively...and found myself in a good position...better light and best mindset...I now have only four words in my mind...UP, UP & AWAY... I am going to fly again... I WILL NOT DIE!!!

Now what !!!

I have come at a point where i think i need to ask this question. Its now or never... I don't think i have money to spare..Yeah I am invested..but how much...Its been two years here..on my own...but do I have something that i can offer to my family..not exactly. True that I have invested around 60000/- on my own..but is that what i have saved in two years...two bloody years...Even that doesn't have the damn same value.... Will i be able to marry myself off...Will i be able to own a house on my oen...I seriously need to think about it...

I came acroos this thought due to an incident today...Something that took our business to where it all started..maybe in worse position....This made me think that what can i contribute to help cover the loss and i got the answer in a flash....NOTHING!!!... Bloody nothing....

and its not money alone that i am worried about...Its about settling down in life...I want to know where i am headed to..Right now the answer is NOWHERE......I can't even scream and ask for directions...Everyone is in their own desert...Who on earth am i to ask anyone to help if they are nit sure where they are heading...This takes content out of my mind...keeping me sleepless for hours...i am getting sick of it day by day...

I don't what can helpme...i feel like hugging , a deep long hug....but i don't have anyone around...Hey Prabh, Cheenu, Nicky..........you listen boyz...I need someone...Comeover boyz....I wanna hug you guyz....

Back to Base II

I am back at my room in Gurgaon...Thankfully plan B did not fail....For reference, plan B was to board Shatabdi and ask Atul to come over to pick us up... Everything went as planned...for once....

i am feeling sleepy at this time as is everyone else. i am not guessing as its evident because they are already sleeping soundly....or so it seems...Its Diwali eve and as i said earlier i will or rather we will be spending the night in office doing nothing but routine work..if its routine at all that is......

I have noticed that I am writing a bit too much on here about my  office of which mostly is negative...On second thought i am not sure if its negative..but its not positive though..Its something in between...if that exists....Also I have started seeing things in meaner way of doing it...Getting back to people about what they have done...being them to beat them....and i have realized that i am not good at this game... I see another average rating this month...I will have to talk to Ritesh about it...

Jassi called in today from sydney....Just wanted to talk his heart out in absence of anyone else to do so...

So long...

Back to base...

Hey Frenzzz.....

I am back to base again...figuratively...Sorry for being late...AGAIN...I know i shouldn't be...I started writing this post three weeks ago at my room in Gurgaon...right now i am in Model town Jallandhar. Pathetic way to maintain a blog I say... Writing a post every now and then is not what blogging should be...If this is what I have to do then I should probably start a newsletter rather than a blog... Okay..enough of self derogation...

First things first...I am here in Jallandhar to attend Sunny's sister's marriage... Quite unusually I have LEARNT what I have KNOWN for quite a long time. "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong". We planned an almost foolproof trip to attend this marriage and be back in time... But like every other plan..this one also had failure modes and for us no failure mode action plans...

We were caught off guard but managed to squeeze out with a pronto plan B. Apparently its too early to say that plan B has suceeded because it goes into action tomorrow...Till than its all just a plan......and as I said a plan always has some failure modes...In any case we have a plan C in place as well...

Secondly I will be spending Diwali eve and night, both, in office... We will be enjoying the time though...Seemingly...sounds quite sarcastic...with kind of targets and work pressure that we have....talking about fun is ironic....but we still manage to get some light moments out of it....Office life that is...

For all who are waiting for any updates on my love life....there is no news...not any new news atleast....Talking about my love life somehow takes me to another surreal levels....I feel elated, confused, angry and pathetic at the same time....Sometimes i feel like I am trying to be someone I am not...on other times i feel like being on top of the world....but most of the time I feel like I cannot landup in any love life whatsoever.....talking about which reminds me that sometimes i feel like flirting a lot too...God knows where will I landup if I ever do....

Say Let there be light and there will be light....

Writing again...

Hello Frenz!!! I am back after a significantly long time....but that has been routine here anyhow....Not a lot has happened since last post anywayz.....but yes there is a big change...we shifted from bloody to PG to a rented flat....Me, Sunny, Prabh and Gopi....Pooled in money to pay the rent and buy the stuff upfront...It has been quite a fine transition with occasional glitches that i believe would be part of anything anyhow...Writing this in to fill the gap...

Wide awake...

Here i am....sitting in fromt of computer at 0300 hrs in the morning writing on my blog. People would think i am crazy..but believe me..there are crazier people around....I need to go home for my exam on monday but to top this all non-sense i have not recieved my admit card yet....although the instructor has aplan for us...and a crappy one too...he suggest we go to university on monday hours before the exam and get my admit card...i don't know what will happen...i am not sure if my ticket to go home today is confirmed or not...website is dysfunctional at the moment....i was on waitlist-4 at last check whihc was yesterday evening.....

I am awake at thi moment becuase i was sleeping since 1800 hrs last evening....that was inturn because i was awake since 1600 hrs friday...that means total of 26 waking hours....and all this time was spent in office....yeah..thats right...i did almost back2back shift...don't ask me why i did that when i had the choice to return early and rest for next days morning shift...probably i get a high, some kind of intoxication by working hard....or probably i just want to cover up some shortcomings by highlighting other things.....whatever the reason may be....bottomline is that i am addicted to work...i just can't stay still....i have to do something every waking minute.....i can't even sustain a bloody channel on TV...just keep playing with the remote...as if iam intrested in everything on TV except whats on screen....Any ideas where all this is going to....please let me know......

Chardi kala.....

Whirrrrrrr!!!!!!

Everything just seems to pass by...i don't get enough time to do what i am supposed to do anyhow...everything is so..so .so.... so automated.....its all just passing by and i can't seem to control it....i think i need to sit down and take account.....but even that doesn't seem to be happening....how many times have i thought to do that....i can't recount.....i am not sure of almost anything.....do i want to settle down here...i don't know...do i want to immigrate...i don't know....and even if yes....when i am going to start the process.....when its too late.....its just a matter of coupleof hours to go and meet someone about it....and i am unable to take out those two hours...pathetic...shameful...probably now i would do it......bloody i don't want to write too....i am feeling like banging my fists on keyboard.....and i am going to just that ...you see what cmes up....,z;s;l'/;.,/

jkjm,nuj,ikmn/;lxc/.,; \'

]':CXl;dx/

This is the result of bangingon keyboard.....thats whats happening to me too....i do all the banging on my mind and results i nothing but crap.....Help me someone.....pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeee!!!!

Pretty Busy.....

I would rather say hectic than busy.....and its set to get even more in coming days....Its been so long that i had actually forgot about thiss place unless rabh reminded me....A lot has happened in this time....personally and professionally.....first off i got promoted to Lead quality in just three months....Every Quality senior exec goes thriugh the same for that matter...so nothing great except the position itself....THE BAND 5....
I have actually been super busy these days...kind of that we usually read in magazines and articles....firebrand generation..always ready to work....chasing targets...no social life kinda thing...only social life present is ironically on office premises......and that i think is not healthy...literally and figuratiovely....Another thing that comes to my mind when i talk about my ofice is that only stress buster that most people know or use it to get drunk on weekends...that is i think more like a stress ball..you press it for sometime and then return it to its routine position.....
Another thing that i achieved in this period that i succesfully manged to watch moview Silsila..one with Amintabh & Rekha...you have to see it to believe it how beautiful Rekha can look....She can give close-ups like no one else can and really mean no one else....and only Yash chopra can give you a song right on opening of the filem without even a dialog or situation and still manage to make it look appropriate....also the romantic touch that was provided two songs back2back in movie...i haven't seen it in any other movie....Neela aasmaan so gaya and Dekha ek khwab, are literally back2back.....Romance on screen cannot get any better than this....


Lord help all....

Hmmm...lemme think....

First things first...i am really sorry for not being in here for so long now....i hope you don't think that i am back to my old ways....but believe me, i am really so busy that i get time to either sleep good or do other things...that includes blogging....

Coming back to the point, i hope you don't see the title of this post as sarcastic or written in absence of any appropriate title...this title is actually more appropriate to what is going around me these days...yes guys...i am having short term memory loss bursts..scary isn't it??? It sure is...you might think that forgetting keys or ID card is not a very big deal but believe me frenz it can be very scary...i lose my headset,my inventory & my record book almost daily and then i would find them somewhere and remeber that Yes, i left them there......It really is very very scary.....i am scared because someday i may forget something really important in a similar burst...and that may lead to God knows what....

On socio-personal level i have stopped drinking bacardi.....that doesn't mean that i won't drink at all..this means that i only drink vodka now and that without ANY dilution.....just shots...that i have tested can go upto 8 shots a night without throwing up.....

Sunny is sitting here with me now...he has just returned from his office....so i think i will shut up now....so long.....lord help all....

Another step taken???

I have taken another step professionally...i am a Quality Analyst now....WOW isn't that great....just in case you have noticed the Question marks in title of this post, why do you think they are there for? Don't ask me...i don't know...seemingly i got a knack of putting things in a perspective that is not very good at times...Now, i don't think thats very postive.. is it??? That doesn't mean that i have stared taking things in a negative manner nowadays but i think i have started underestimating myself...that would also mean that in pursuit of finding my way through this maze i am actually making my life tougher.....Now i am into a new role most probably i would be looking at brighter side of things now....see i just put this view into an alternate perspective too....thats me these days....again i say that i am not taking things negatively but just looking at them from an alternat perspective....This i think help look at things better because you have a more all around vision....
PS. This should have been posted on 21 december

A really good NEWS!!!

After a looonggg time, i have some real good news to share....i am blessed with a niece....Now, its a not so fresh news though॥its been exactly one week now..She is a week old....How i would love to have my first look at her...but for some very unusual reasons i am not able to go back home for now...and believe me or not its my logic thats holding me back...strange really it is...i don't remember when was the last time my logic stopped me from connecting to my people, from socializing, for giving priorty to personal relations rather than professional relations....

PS: This should have been here on 30th November, 2007

Depressed...Fallen.....Loser???

I was thinking about my office today and i found out something.....I think i discovered a new meaning for CK..nope..i definitely don't mean Calvin Klien..I think more appropriate use of CK would be Corporate Kill....Other than that you may have your own versions....I believe you got my sentiments here....All i wanna convey here is that you can be never sure about anything out here....you never know when its gonna hit you in the face...



I may sound depressed but the truth however is that YES I AM.....not of kind that i would be glum and sit idle all day long thinking into nowhere....well i must say this is kinda close...but i don't think about it unless someone actually brings about the topic....



I don't know where i am heading to....this job has started getting on my nerves...if don't move on to some new position in a couple of months i think i am going to go berserk.....not that i am desperate for some drastic change in my professional life but atleast there should be some progress...i have started having these sudden pangs of depression and desperation...seems like i don't know where i am heading....i am now constantly in fear...and irony is that its the same fear that kept me going all these year....fear of failure....failure of not being able to achieve somone's expectations......failure of not getting there...failure in love...failure in life....fear of rejection is another thing that i keep fighting all the time....my take at rejection is a bit different...if i am not at the center of attraction i feel people are ignoring me.....i am very touchy about not being at center of attraction....if someone does not think that i can do it than i take it personally even though that person may not even know about me.....my thought about myself is that I am the best there was..the best there is and the best there will be.....and i fight to keep it alive.....


what does that make me??? definitely not a loser.....right??? but then in htink that its not the time to decide yet...anyways what do i have to lose....nothing i believe, except my ego...but that is one of the two things i care about most...my image and my position.....this same self-reliance has taken me a long way from a small cute kid to being THE Sherry.....The ONE......but now i feel that i decide too much about things without letting other factors interfere...That would mean that if i consider something i say is not going to be the way i want it to be, then i would stick to it...thats perception i think....but then i think i will have to learn to mould my thinking and learn that there are other factors that can alter the normal course of things happening around us...

Have you noticed that how many time have i used the phrase "But then i think" in this whole post....sned me correct number and get a surprise gift..:-D...not really... but seriously have you noticed it??....maybe that explains my state of mind at this time.....i am not sure about most of the things...perhaps i am not sure about anything..SEE i am not even sure about it.....i need someone to give me something that i have always given to others....soe courage and wisdom to move on.....i feel like i am constantly chasing something...i don't know what....maybe you do....


God loves all.....

Change in me???

Wowie!!!!! I am adding to this blog second time in a month...Am i out of my mind??? Me being myself shouldn't be doing this....someone stop me......funny, eh? Well not so....This is something i have been planning for a long time now...if you go through my preious posts inhere you will notice that on almost every post i regret not being a regular here.....Probably its going to change now....but then, who knows???
I am feeling quite jolly NOW.....it isn't that i was feeling like this all day long but believe me listening to a jovial song can change your mood and it really work wonders....

The primary reason i decided to write today is that its Prabhmeet's Birthday....HAPPY BIRTHDAY buddy!!! I tried calling the jerk at midnight and got a sleepy shoulder(cold shoulder ;) ) Other than that he is a real gem of a person...one that i can't afford to loose...Public wisdom says that you need to make your friends carefully, but I say that you can't choose who will be your friends...However you can choose who will stay.....So obviously i have along list of "Friends" but then i decided to keep only 3. Yeah.... just 3...Prabh,Nikki and cheenu....sadly cheenu is not very approachable now...he has gone to Australia for furthur studies and better future as per him....but i am happy for him...it was always a dream for him to go abroad...now thats a diffrents story that he always wanted to go to canada or america.....All in all i am happy for him.....Nikki is quite happy at dreamweavers where he is working now....Growing by leaps and bounds....and my deal ol' prabhmeet.....not so sure about what he is gonna do..but i am pretty sure, if not him, that he is gonna make it big someday...he is a real phoenix....will definitely rise.....its in him....he is the kind of person who would stay low only to bounce back and reach new heights......

One more thing that differntiates him from other two is that he is least intrested in my sex life(i.e if i have one in the first place :-D) Nikki and cheenu are always devising some plans for mew on sexual front...no success so far....Also he, and of course me too, does that EFFORT to reach to people, to be in contact, to be there whenever you need him. He is the kind of person who will never be out of touch. Thats my Dilbar......

Nikhil on other hand is scheming type of us four...he has got a plan for everything and also to bypass everything....is a real wizard on such things....believe me, if i commit something in here to someone, he will be the one i will reach out to complete that commitment....I know only he can do it in jalandhar... If he says it can't be done..then, take my word, it cannot be....We call this highly sophisticated technology JUGAAD....So he is a great asset to Jugaad community....

Cheenu can be defined in three words...Girls, Money and Sex...Don't put put girls and sex in same category....his philosphy if you have dirty money, you can have hell of sexual life....and also you can get a decent girl for you....however he also contradicts that a good girl won't look much at the money you have...nowadays it seems he is involved more into second thing....and its justifed too...after all he is an alien country..he has to earn to learn and survive....because the type of families WE have means that self-survival is the only technique of survival at all......

I think thats enough for today... I will share some more insights about these people and many more shortly.....Bye for now....Chao....

Another one gone...

Another month gone....i don't know why i am not able to be more regular on here.....Everytime i decide to write something, someone has to walk in with some urgent work and....well talking about progress from last month i don't think there has been anything of importance personally or professionally..Though i am one step closer to being a senior CCS that is ofcourse if i get a top ranking this month too....that would also mean a step closer to being at ACTUAL next level...

On personal level, the more i try to get involved the more segregated i get...i feel like i am getting to a diffrent world all together...new people..new places...new everyone and everything....nowadays i also think about my relation with her...i don't know where this relation is going...that is if its going anywhere in first place...

Sometimes i start wondering, like i am right now, that where would it all end??? Where would i be finally settled??? or what would i be doing??? Will i migrate to somewhere...will i stay here in delhi...will i go back to jalandhar or chandigarh...exactly what would i be doing........And then comes the flash light....the thought that my time is NOW....I AM THE ONE....and that gives me strength to carry on..with all those thoughts..with all that burden...

I am trying to listen to silence around me....figuratively ofcourse......i tried literally too but beleive me its too difficult to handle....being the person i am its veru difficult to just sit there in complete silence and do nothing...there is that twitch to keep on doing something all the time...this was also one the primary reasons to start this blog....a place to vent out was ofcourse the other major one...sometimes i just want to get out of here,,but then i give it a thought and only one thing strikes me...get out to WHERE???
Please let me know if anyone has the answer.....

Long Lost.....

Here i am again....after such a long gap...and that too after repeated promises to myself that i will do it regularly....here i am coming back after more than a month; as always.



Coming to the point, I am still looking for some answers. For example, if i really want to be here or do i actually want to settle on this or THE BIG ONE, is this IT? I have noticed a considerable change lately in myself that i have started taking things as they come. Well, most of them. That would eventually mean lesser stress and upto some extent lesser responsibility or burden depending upon what your perception to it is.

There is not much happening at personal front too. But then i don't think that my personal and professional life out here is clearly, or even vaguely, segregated. This actually creates a bigger challange as i have to define the line each time and sometimes the two are so mixed up that i feel like retracting itno my shell. Just came to think of it that it has been a long time that i have been with ME.I remember sitting alone and thinking nothing in my college and even school days.Now seemingly i don't get enough time. I used 'seemingly' because i personally feel that we all have capability to take time out for whatever reason but for some weird cause we don't do it. Its been a long time since i had a long thoughtful talk with someone like i used to have with manisha or cheenu. You know the kind where you actually explain how the things are and how should you tackle them. Counselling type you see. To satisfy this hunger to counsel someone i actually started sharing my thoughts on the title that people keep on their profiles on orkut. Actually the only one i did this is Prabhmeet's sister Jasmeet. She and i actually shared a lot of insights on some of the good quotes that she kept as her title.

Talking of quotes, i came across a very interesting one today. And i quote "We thrive to know things to show off our knowledge." Its by Blaise Pascal. It kind of made me think and then i realized that how true it is figuratively if not literally. I am always in lookout to know something new because i am afraid that someone may ask something and i won't have any respectable answer or explanation. Its all relative i think. The way i projected by others makes me feel responsible to gain that extra becuase the reason they ask me something is that they are almost sure that i will know about or atleast can find out for them. This sometimes get scary.

On a more personal note i also noticed that once you are on your own and living without family people actually think or rather expect that you will have atleast one affair, one girl to go and make out with. Now i think that almost everyone thinks that i should have a girlfriend or rather must have one; and if i don't that translates to me being F*&^&*. But i thnk every relation comes with a certain degree of responsibility that one must be ready take. If i don't think that i can take it then i am probably good without one rather than failing it.. This strength comes from the fact that i have actually seen so much so early that i have taught my self to be neutal to most of the situations. People find it very difficult many of the times. I think that if its you can't control it then why worry about it.It would do you no good. And now i know from my personal experience that if you really love someone and you know that you cannot be with her for probably lifetime than it becomes more important that you let her know how much you love her and how important she is in your life.

So long........Good Lord....

Involved???Committed????I don't know.....

I didn't have anything to write about on here....i think that would explain the long absence...Ironical, isn't it, for someone whose job is to talk to people and solve their problems and sometime convince them against what they want to do? Now "want " is the magic word....you know we have to sometimes deal with the people who WANT us to do some kind of magic to solve their concerns no matter if they are possible or not But then i think its all relative. I would ask something i don't know to someone i think can solve it. If he/she tells me that its not possible only then would i come to know about it.otherwise i would kee trying and might never conclude that it cannot be done. Now as far as my personal experience goes i don't find many things that are not possible and don't even have a respectable workaround. Talking about workarounds, just came to think of it that one more thing i learnt recently is that you don't have to be MR.Know-it-all to be Mr.Perfect. You can actually delay certain things so gracefully that you still would be Mr.Perfect.
Its almost 11 months since i have joined this job out of my hometown. Seems like such a short time. I was at my home just yesterday and its already 11 months today.Time really flies. Now sometime i really stop and lookback to see how far i have come.....and i still don't know.....Everybody says that once i am a year old in the organization the world will open for me...and i don't deny the fact....yes the world will open for me but then....do i really want to embrace this world???................i don't know......this is the response that i get from myself these days for most of the questions i ask myself. Why do i ask such questions? ...i simply don't know...DO YOU?

Going back...

Hii,
Its been a long time since i have added anything to this blog or for that matter any other blog(as if i have any other). Life is going quite good. Seems like evrything is going as it should be. Its been almost a month since i have done any calling. First it was due to my exams and now i am on not quite fit to join back. Anupam sir my TL has shown great faith and full confidence. iam going to write him a letter of gratitude right now. Also the support of sachin and anshu has been immense. sachin has been like big brother. For all who don't about sachin or anshu, sachin was my trainer and tech lead; and anshu was our quality analyst. WAS is the keyword here. All my seniors have been immense help.
Will come back soon!!!!