Pent up thoughts - Part I

I don't think it needs to be told that it has been a long time since my last post. There were two major reasons behind it. One was that the thoughts that I wanted to pen down might have offended someone and I didn't want it to happen at that time. Second, anything that I might have written may have been interpreted as 'whining'. For all who think that all I do here is 'whine' here; I am afraid they will have to be disappointed for some time becuase venting was the primary reason for my starting to write in the first place. About the first reason for my absence, I guess that moment has passed and I can safely write down my thoughts.

I have realized a lot of things in the past. First and foremost is that no matter how good your advice is, its of no use unless the beneficiary realises so. You can advice him/her for all you want but if it falls on deaf ears, all your smartness is in vain. Second, wherever you go there is always a Johhanna Jameson(Editor of Daily bugle in Spiderman series.) who understands a point of view only if he can translate every 'WE' to 'I'. Third, as said by one of our rivals long back, Two minds may think alike but three minds can never do it. Fourth, deciding is tough process and it takes a lot of communication and discussion to reach at a common consensus even if everyone has the same goal in mind. Primary reason for which is the different paths decided by everyone.

To be Continued....

Filling the Gap

Just two days and we have a gap...Whatever happened to daily blogging...Anyway...It has been a busy productive day...I attended a session for home intrusion and access control systems, something that I wanted to get on to for quite sometime. t is the next thing that I want to add to our portfolio of products and services. Now it is just a matter of time and some tinkering with equipment. I think we can do something in this direction. In any case, it is a whole Line Of Business in its own.

Another thing that I thought over today was to streamline some internal processes. The one I need to urgently correct is the one that I started onto initially. For some reasons it was sidelined for some time. However, I think that before I move on to correct something else I need to enforce self-discipline as well. I felt that I have been very slack on many matters for quite some time now. Well, all is not lost yet. This can be corrected in short time if I impose self discipline.I have already some short-terms for myself to begin with. Lets see where we reach with it. I will be out of town for around three days starting Sunday, so I may not be able to post daily; but I will try and write something daily that I may post later. Bye for now...
God help all...

Dated 4 December, 2009

Fighting Impulse...

The day hasn't been as hectic or busy as I thought it would be. Most of it was practically wasted doing nothing, except maybe thinking about settling some chores. I think that is maybe becuase of the envirnoment I am currently in. Most of it however was my own will and accord.It seems like I have stopped approaching things as I once did. In retrospection, I miss being a quality analyst. Now, this is purely genric terms and in nomeans my days at IBM. This is more about the learning and style of work that I adopted. That was the major part of my thoughts today in the "wasted time".

The very thought that I am 'almost there' in everything that I do hit me like a rock. I somehow am missing the bulls eye. Now, it may be just a rough patch I may be doing something wrong. Maybe this is how it works. I don't know. I don't think that I can talk about it. Strangely I, who usually have something to talk about anything, don't have exact words to describe the feeling. It feels like I am losing my grip on things around me. I know what you are thinking Anshu but this is not frustration or aggravation or anything like that. Its just the feeling which I don't have a word for. In my language, Saala kuch khaas samajh nahi aa reha. Maybe I should act upon your advice. Let the flowing waters flow and keep on doing what I can. This however puts me in a different position. My nature won't let me watch everything from the sidewalk. Somehting inside will always push me to be in there and try and do what I can. I guess I will let time decide what should be the case. Maybe the recent incidents at the workplace would change some things around me. It may be also be just an impulsive action.

This turns my thoughts to another nuisance that I have to deal a lot with. Impulse. It is so strongly inherent in the system that it is almost impossible to fight with. Major reason that you can't oppose an impulsive action is that both legitimate effort and impulsive action start at the same note. They differ at how they end. A legitimate change or action would sustain whereas an impulse would soon fizz out. Anyways, I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Dated: 2nd December, 2009

Daily Dose...

I have decided to write a post a day from today onwards... I guess if I can sustain it for a week, it will continue for longer; Of course, a week in itself is long time. Due to increased frequency of posts and personal nature, most of the content with pretty regular stuff, since this blog is primarily for venting out and sharing my mind with anyone who cares to go through it. I reckon that most of the times it would be more or less of a daily journal.

Moving on, Cheenu wrote a very strong, and a very valued for that matter, reply to my earlier post(read it in comments). I think most of the times what you really want is for someone to listen and respond. No worldly words or pearls of words, but only to tell you that he is there. lately, I was thinking about our(me and Cheenu) discussions with kikki deedi. With her back in India on a vacation, the thoughts have started to flash increasingly. I was imagining a conversation with her where she might ask me why I didn't meet more often like old days. Only fitting reply I could think was that we had Cheenu back then so it was easy to meet up since there were three of us. Chances of anyone feeling lazy was 33% which has now increased to 50% since there is only me and Nicky here.

For the more regular part, the day was quite a bit for me. For once, I know what future holds. Tomorrow is going to be very hectic. Mind it that I said 'hectic' and not busy. I have more than a couple of engagements and it is going to be a difficult to balance all the balls, especially with Manish involved in one. I don't think it was much of a day other than planning and setting up things for tomorrow. In any case, its too late to continue writing but I think I will be back. So long...

Dated 1st December, 2009

Khyaal...

Aam naalo hatt ke eh post mai punjabi ch likhan dee soch reha haaN..issdi vajah koi bahuti political ya religious nahi...gall sirf ikk rau dee hai..ikk flow dee hai... mere khyal naal je koi kuch express karna chaahanda hai te ohde layee sab toh wadiya zariya ohdi roz dee bolchaal dee language hee ho sakdi hai...hun eh koi single language vee ho sakdi hai aur 3-4 languages dee composition vee; jiveN ke mai use kar reha..Punjabi, English te Urdu...

khair mudde dee gall eh ke picchle kujh dinaa toN mai kaafi busy reha haan...par eh busy koi iss tarah da busy jiven mai hona pasand karda haaN...mere khyal naal apni picchlee kise blog post vich maiN iss baare zikr kar chukkeya haaN...I don't recall exactly but it was about being busy and being under hectic schedule...mai eh bilkul nahi keh reha ke mainu iss busy-ness ne pareshaan keeta ja mainu waste jehi feeling aayee, but kite na kite eh feeling zaroor see, and for that matter hale vee hai, ke inni saari mehnat da result oh nahi nikalna jo socheya see...kyonki picchle chaar mahineya ch mai eh zaroor dekhya ke intentions da sab diyaaN OK ne aur sab kuch karna vee chaahNde ne..but implementation vele kuch na kuch game gol ho jaaNdi hai....oh sab gallaaN jo planning stage vich honiyaa chahidiyaa see oh implementation de vele nikladiyaaN ne...

ho sakda eh sab ikk shikayat ya cribbing lag reha hove par haqeeqat ehi hai ke planning aur implementation de vich da gap cover nahi ho paa reha...galti shayad meri vee hai ke mai plan nahi kar paa reha,par at the back of my mind issue ehi haike somewhere deep down I know ke it will all be manipulated at the end...Well in any case, I will do what I have to do, no matter what the results are...

te eh kuch lines mere khyal da nateeja e...eh kuch disconnected thoughts ne and may not mean anything to you...read at your own risk. :-D
So long...God help all!!!

kujh yaar mere pehlaN, te kujh nave bane;
eh khade rehan, main naal inna de jitt laiNda sansaar je chaahNda...

ikk mai, te ikk mai hee haaN mer kol hune;
kee kar laiNda mai karna tainu pyar je chaahNda...

dil vick kasak jehi hurdum ikk utthdi e;
kar laiNda koshish karni mai ikk vaar je chaahNda....

mudhna wapis shayad mumkin reha nahi;
mudhna mai ikk vaar te kee lakh vaar je chaahNda...

ikk tere baajh eh jagg hanera lagda e;
rabb kar diNda rushnai oh ikk vaar je chaahNda...

par, rabb nu vee kee dosh davaa iss baare hun;
rabb sadd laiNda ke saddna mai ikk vaar je chaahNda...

Test Entry

Using Ubuntu Blogging front-end for API

It doesn't matter anymore !!!

I have been losing my temper quite a bit these days... and it had made things turn to worse sometimes. I think I don't see the things as positive as I used to. It could also be a reason that there is not enough positive aura around me. People still think that it wasn't a right move to come back, and it is pressed against me time and again. I guess that the feeling was of being not wanted is the reason for short temperament. I think it all boils down to how you feel from within. If you feel that you are unwanted then YOU start thinking that why the hell should you care, and it shouldn't matter to people what you do if they don't want you here or are not exactly fine with it. Living with a condition is inherently different than accepting and embracing it.

At times I look back and try to decide whether it was correct to do what I did and decisions I took. Decision to move on with her, decision to leave all of it and come back or leave all this in the first place. Only answer that I get is that whatever I did was right in that context, but the real question is that was it worth it? Only reasonable outcome of it all is that it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter anymore if I loved someone, it doesn't matter anymore if I stayed back, it doesn't even matter anymore if I come back tonight or not. I guess only thing that matter is NOW. With all this arrogance and short temperament within, I don't know what is it going to be.

Yeh kya jagah hai dosto, yeh kaun sa dyar hain...

had – e – nigaah tak jahaaN, gubaar hee gubaar hai...

There is just news..Not Good or Bad

Evidently the times are bad. All I end up writing here is about deaths and bad things. Another one hit me last week. The count was to be two almost. I won't write about who were the people and what happened to them because it won't matter & to people whom it matters know it already.

    I have been pushing this post for so long now. and for the sole reason that I didn't have anything to add to it except obituaries and condolences. It had made me feel that there is nothing good around. I don't think I have heard any good news in quite some time now.

Ofcourse as an alternate theory, There is just news. Its not good or bad. All this has made me think about many things in tandem and look at things in a different perspective. I think with the passing of time all things are in there for a reason. Also, these events have strengthen my belief that everything that happens to us is a result of what we have done. Now it may sound a bit Zen or theological, but if you think upon it you may find me correct. I believe that this is how Karma behaves. Concept of Paap-punya is directly related to the luck or Naseeb as you may call it. In short, everything that you do or not do, comes back to you, Good or Bad. As an example, and pretty harsh one, WE did not care about the security of our office last year and it resulted in a burglary, which in turn upset many things. I guess my point here is that we should not only be seeing what we ARE doing but also what we are NOT doing. While doing ensures that you are moving forward, NOT doing would make things go even worse.

Coming back to more sane world, I think we are not doing too good professionally. I don't see how we are going to be businessmen. I am trying to change the mindset from self-employed to businessman but I think there is a gap. Either one of us, me or them, is assuming something. This assumption is I think the gap. Maybe its just the acquaintance that we have. Hmm.. Yes this could be the reason. Now it makes me think that since we all are so connected personally, we assume that the other one understands our Point of View. Now this is progress. I think I have found a gap while writing this, and this may help us look at the things from a new angle. Load off my chest.

Signing off...

Condolences

With a heavy heart, I write about untimely demise of another sister in such a short time। Ironically, her demise is connected to the birth of new being. Presh has lost her sister to a medical complication during final stages of pregnancy. No words can fill the void that she has left. May Lord give her rest and peace in His Holy Abode . May God also give strength to all the people connected to her to bear the loss.

Responses...

I went through Sachin’s blog sometime ago. He has expressed about the loss of one of his friends at workplace. It was a due to some layoffs by company but which was apparently not publicized. I guess it was the surprise element that provoked Sachin’s thoughts in the direction which translated to words on his blog. All, who want to go through what he wrote, can visit http://sachin-sud.blogspot.com for a scoop.

Those words pretty much reflected my thoughts. Thoughts, that occurred to me when I left Jalandhar around 3 years ago. It is indeed sad to know and go through a phase where you have to do away with people to whom you are so well connected. This connection can be physical, emotional or spiritual. This connection can still be strong enough even if you haven’t met the person, as in Sachin and his friend’s case. My question here is that do we actually need a connection to sustain a relation. What if that connection is severed? Can we not find another connection to sustain the relation? I guess the answer lies in the fact that if it was a relation to begin with? Or was it just a connection? If it was a connection, then I am afraid that it was bound to be broken; and if it was a relation then only thing that can kill it is lack of effort from either side to retain it. I have talked many times about the necessity and importance of effort in a relation. In any case, Sachin is not finished with his thoughts on it, so I may be commenting too early on it.

Coming back to me, it is now around two months after my return to Jalandhar. I think it has been a pretty fine period. I agree that it hasn’t been as great as I thought, but hey, it was never supposed to be a cakewalk. I guess breaking old traditions and systems is easier said than done. I feel that the most difficult part is to eliminate the micro management culture that is prevalent here. I want to setup a fine system where responsibilities can be delegated and taken care of. Not that responsibilities are not delegated now, but the level of micro management practically renders the practice useless. I guess it is no use handing something to someone and then keep on nagging every two minutes. It is like undermining his/her capability and making him/her feel their incompetence. Anyways, I know that it is a tough job but I also know that it will be done. Sooner than later.

Lord bless all.

Collecting thoughts

"Its been a long time since I have added anything here...A lot of water has passed under the bridge since my last post...Although it was more of retaliation than reflection of thoughts...."

This is how I started this post almost a week ago... Full of thoughts, rage and disappointment. There have been some intricate things going on that kept me busy throughout....Reflecting on which I think they were more trivial in nature than intricate...

Coming to recent things, I celebrated my birthday this week... It has been a great event, thanks to some great people... Had it not been a combined effort by all, it would have been a different night altogether... Everyone put their best to enjoy themselves... Manish with his knack to arrange for things at the last moment, Presh with his handling, Terry with his usual jovial self, Chabbra ji for uncut humor and Jagpal, Anshu, Vivek & Bhalla with their ability to enjoy without reservations; made it a grand success... You can visit http://picasaweb.google.com/harjotsandhu/BirthdayBash to see what it was like...

It was a real effort by my IBM folks. It was almost an insurmountable task to come to Jalandhar and get back to Delhi in span of 24 hours...

TO ALL, WHO REMEMBERED THE OCCASION, YOU MEAN A LOT...AND TO THOSE WHO FORGOT, I STILL LOVE YOU....

Hmmmmmm

I came in here to write something after completing one month off IBM. I had some disconnected and distinct thoughts that I wanted to share here... However, all that has taken a backseat now as I just went through a comment on my last post... It struck me like a sledge hammer and I had all the right and means to moderate the comment and not publish it. I however chose not to do so and let the spirit of free speech stay alive. This, it seems is not a mutual thought among many. As clearly intended from the said comment, our chosen way was off track to get our voices heard or opinion counted. The comment also sounded like placing me in the center of all that happened. My take on it is, that if I had an influence over others to do this to our leader, which clearly wasn't the case; then he deserved this. There is no point of it all if we can't take a feedback professionally, and I deny to clarify myself to anyone who thinks that it should have been taken personally and rated as such.

I guess there were enough efforts from the side to generate a dialogue which almost EVERYTIME ended up as an arguement and not discussion. I also see the root of the problem as people, who for all these years have denied to question the authority. I distinctly remember Ritesh telling me to introspect for EVERYTHING that I talked to him about. I guess he didn't introspect enough to foresee it. I would again point out that if I can influence people against a leader, then I think he is not the leader for them...

I guess this rage will not let me write about anything else at this time... So long. Lord help all...

Currently.......

Its been a week here now. It is actually more than that, 12 days that is. These days have been a very struggling as far as settling in goes. I am still not able to get a sleep of more than 6-7 hours & enjoy a weekend at home. This whole diaspora of being at home has not been realized yet. I guess it will take some time before feeling actually start to sink in.

I am still in touch with many of the IBMers, though its not much that we talk about. It is general chit chat and thats where it all ends. I definitely miss all of them. I miss messing with Ritesh, I miss singing with Atri jee, I miss gorging with Jagpal, I miss flirting with Mano, Sneha, Jo, Geetika, Shaleenee and who not; I miss baklol with Anshu, I miss desipan with Garry, I miss hindi with Vinay, I miss everything. I don't see a place to have late night snack & I don't see a place to buy the drinks after hours.

It seems like that you actually can't beat a metro at all, let alone NCR.

Yeh dilli hai mere yaar, bas ishq mohabbat pyar...

Old Place...New Beginning....

Here I am...Sitting in my offfice at Jalandhar.....Still trying to recover from Jet lag...It is day two and I was already off work for the day..Just come in to replace Terry for the rest of the time...He had to leave, you know...

I am still trying to figure out the system and things to do before actually implementing any improvements to it...I guess I am just a day old here and one waste elimination idea is not bad.....The idea though is not entirely mine, but what good is an idea without implementation....
I think that options are available in abundance for changes to be made..The tough thing is to decide on what to do and how to go about it... Also the expectations and accountability is almost on magical levels, it seems... Nothing new though... Problem this time, however is that, that is why I am here now.... In case there are any issues in changes or transitions, I don't think I can justify myself...Not that I need to explain it to anyone, but to myself as well... I guess thats criminal's guilt building up.... Leaving IBM seems like leaving home now.. The feeling has finally started to build up and I hope it subsides too....
मुझ से बिछ्ढ़ के खुश रहते हो,
मेरी तरह तुम भी झूठे हो.

Ex-IBMer... Current professional...

I am an Ex-IBMer finally...It has been a highly speculative time... Some people believing it all to be a big joke that turned out out to be shocking truth... Now, I didn't feel any different today than any other day at office. Everything was so usual except the people's behavior toward me... They had this feeling that I can't describe.. Everyone was talking abut the same thing and asking the exact same questions...Some people still found it hard to believe that I would not be walking the calculus floor again...Not for quite some time at least...

Question that comes to my mind now is that if it will make any difference in my mindset...Will not being a part of IBM make any difference in how I look at myself....This is keeping in mind that I was a minuscule part of it and it actually didn't make any difference to the bigger universe...People move in and out of organizations everyday...I have taken the jump but will I be able to cross the quarry...After being so detached to and independent of family, Will I be able to hold on to all of it at once..Will it not overwhelm? I know it sounds negative and foolish, especially when there is no looking back...but the question still remains...

I guess Gaurav wins here...Its My way or Highway.....

Crossing the Iron Curtain...

Finally, I have decided to move on from my current position...Yes..I have resigned from IBM and now moving back to Jalandhar to join Impel....yet again..The decision has not been taken on impulse nor has it been decided overnight...It has taken a long time and a lot of thought..Of course it has its own share of speculations to it, but overall it has been a very much thought of step.. I have taken into consideration the valuable inputs from all around including, but not limited to, Prabh, Jagpal, Anshu & Nikhil. Yet manu other have expressed their doubts and concerns about the move , i guess overall it has been received well....The decision that is....Sunny is visibly upset about it, sole reason being that he would be left alone in almost a quarter of a year. Same sentiments have expressed by others at office as well, primarily Ritesh and Anshu. Jagpal has in hidden words said so as well(mai bhukkha reh jaana kanjra) but I think he is happy for me overall...

Professionally, I think it would be smart to move to my core skill. Something that I have attached myself since my school days. Impel. I don't think I can detach myself from it anyways, with or without working with them. I consider it more of working with them instead of working for them. The feeling about fact that I would be returning to base in 10 days or so is very different. I don't think I am feeling anything different though. It is mixed with pangs of sadness, confusion, sympathy and what not, but I guess it is all part of game. that is what it is at end of the day. A game which we all are trying to beat the life at.

प्यास बुझा सकता नहीं, मेरी बस इक्क पैमाना

मुझको तोह बस पीना है मय्खाने का मयखाना.

Transitions..Changes..Broader Views...

These past 15 days have been a heck of a time...Too many things and I guess too short of a time...

First things first, Gopi got married last weekend..yep our own Casanova is now committed to one.

The occasion however brought it's own set of problems for us..First we had to find a new place for us, that is Me, Prabh & Sunny. Believe me it has been the toughest job since landing in Delhi. We are finally settled into a PG now...Yep, provided the current condition we are in, it is better to live in a PG....

Second significant thing that has happened in this period is that Kapil has resigned from his position as DM quality to join another organization in a better position and better conditions. For all those who don't know who he is, I guess it doesn't matter to them. Obviously, if you don't know him then it should not concern you. Its been a quite an experience working with him. And I must say that it has not been pleasant ride all along. As with any other relationship, personal or professional, this one also had its ups and downs. We hated to love him and loved to hate him at times...It was other way round as well at some point...But I guess that happens with everyone, everywhere. Honestly, no grudges or regrets...It is all part of game I guess...You win you lose but you keep on playing... Thanks Kapil...for being there..doing that....

Third thing that is over my mind these days is actually an urge, not an event. I have this strong feeling of leaving all this and returning back to my place. This thought has been triggered by a proposal to join Impel, back at home, somewhat persistently. Manish and Terry has offered me to join back in better position and improved conditions. I would be leaving for Jalandhar this weekend to discuss he proposal. I might decide to return to base finally. I have my reservations to it though। In case I don't fit in there, like I felt earlier, I don't think I have the option to move out and start all over like I did 3 years ago. This decision would decide if these three years were invested or wasted. I have been trying to talk to Ritesh (my manager) about it for last couple of days but he is too busy to talk about anything else. I don't want it be a surprise for him. I guess it would be a shock for him. Although I know that he won't acknowledge it.

I guess somethings are better left to destiny. They should be dealt only when faced with them.

Lets see...It is just a couple of days before I am actually into the mode to decide about it. This would need a lot of thought and urging (self-urging rather) to make a move. Now I understand what crossing the Iron curtain mean.

Again. These are for you Kapeel.. :-)

करोगे याद तोह हर बात याद आयेगी, गुज़रते वक्त की हर मौज ठहर जायेगी ।

गली के मोड़ पे सूना सा कोई दरवाज़ा, तरसती आंखों से रास्ता किसी का देखेगा,

निगाह दूर तलक जाके लौट आएगी.

Condolences !!!

This post is dedicated to condole the loss of a dear one to one of my best friends....Anshu has lost his sister to unforeseen... No words can fill the void that the departed has left and no one can replace the any other person...She was what she was and no one can be her...or take her place...Yet so is the world's doings...We must move on....May the lord give Her family the power to bear the grief and move forward... May lord be with her and keep her in his shelter forever and ever....
कभी देखो मन नही जागे, पीछे पीछे सपनो के भागे,
एक दिन सपनो का राही चला जाए सपनो के आगे.

Disconnected Thoughts...

I see darkness... Darkness out there...Darkness in here...darkness standing on terrace...darkness sitting in a room...darkness of the night...darkness of the mighty heart...this makes me think...or this thinking makes me ponder..why is it such dark everywhere..be it me, anyone or anything..everything is of a dark shade..Even white seems like a faded shade of black...And no, I am not depressed or under influence of alcohol at the moment...and I am not frustrated at this time too... Its just that the thought came along with many other...

Other thoughts..that include my carrier, people around me..people far from me, people close to me & people away from me...I don't see the reason for being so connected...yet so disengaged...no one actually gives a damn about anything other than what directly or indirectly concerns them...Heck they don't even care about things that affect them indirectly...

And what about love...has there to be a commitment to it..has there to be a condition to it....
I know what you are thinking Prabh(meet), but its not about her alone...Its about any kind of love that you might think of...family..friends..work....anything....I prided myself for being a workaholic..but that love for work doesn't exist anymore...does that make me less committed to it..I don't think so...So if commitment doesn't demand love...How come love needs commitment...and if they are mutually independent..then why the hell do we have to talk about getting it out of our minds...I guess you see where I am getting to...I don't want to venture into that territory... I really don't want to..Let it rest here...

हजारों ख्वाहिशे ऐसी के हर ख्वाहिश पे दम निकले,
बहुत निकले मेरे अरमान, मगर फ़िर भी कम निकले.

Near future....Don't know....

I have taken a step to move away from my current situation...Problem is that I am not sure if that is what I will do... Of course I want to end all this and return to normal life, if it exists that is...but then, what do I need to do..or do I even need to do anything or just wait...I hope waiting is not what I should be doing...It is wise to make the hay while sun shines..So I should start the efforts now and look for things as they come... Its no harm in being prepared...

I even got an offer to return to base...in new improved conditions...My hesitation is that the conditions might come across again which forced me to jump the curtain last time...People are of opinion that this would not happen but then if it does, I don't think I can do another transition....All these choices are actually making things worse for me...and these aren't even realized into choices..these are just plans that are being formulated around me....

Returning back to base also would have some loss of face attached to it I guess.... Maybe returning is not an option..Maybe it is...but then that all would need an intimate, if not lengthy, discussion... A small pep talk is not enough to help me decide on such a big decision....I need someone to talk about it heart to heart...Another difference is that people are not assertive to this idea to the extent that they were sometime ago...If it would have been an offer a year or so earlier, I guess enough people would have plainly denied on it..but now, to almost everyone I talked to about it, sounds OK about it...Of course they have their own reservations but they are not the same kind that they had earlier..

So I don't know what future holds....not that anyone else knows but I don't even know what the flow is and where might I land up in a year or so...Help me decide...