Writing again...

Hello Frenz!!! I am back after a significantly long time....but that has been routine here anyhow....Not a lot has happened since last post anywayz.....but yes there is a big change...we shifted from bloody to PG to a rented flat....Me, Sunny, Prabh and Gopi....Pooled in money to pay the rent and buy the stuff upfront...It has been quite a fine transition with occasional glitches that i believe would be part of anything anyhow...Writing this in to fill the gap...

Wide awake...

Here i am....sitting in fromt of computer at 0300 hrs in the morning writing on my blog. People would think i am crazy..but believe me..there are crazier people around....I need to go home for my exam on monday but to top this all non-sense i have not recieved my admit card yet....although the instructor has aplan for us...and a crappy one too...he suggest we go to university on monday hours before the exam and get my admit card...i don't know what will happen...i am not sure if my ticket to go home today is confirmed or not...website is dysfunctional at the moment....i was on waitlist-4 at last check whihc was yesterday evening.....

I am awake at thi moment becuase i was sleeping since 1800 hrs last evening....that was inturn because i was awake since 1600 hrs friday...that means total of 26 waking hours....and all this time was spent in office....yeah..thats right...i did almost back2back shift...don't ask me why i did that when i had the choice to return early and rest for next days morning shift...probably i get a high, some kind of intoxication by working hard....or probably i just want to cover up some shortcomings by highlighting other things.....whatever the reason may be....bottomline is that i am addicted to work...i just can't stay still....i have to do something every waking minute.....i can't even sustain a bloody channel on TV...just keep playing with the remote...as if iam intrested in everything on TV except whats on screen....Any ideas where all this is going to....please let me know......

Chardi kala.....

Whirrrrrrr!!!!!!

Everything just seems to pass by...i don't get enough time to do what i am supposed to do anyhow...everything is so..so .so.... so automated.....its all just passing by and i can't seem to control it....i think i need to sit down and take account.....but even that doesn't seem to be happening....how many times have i thought to do that....i can't recount.....i am not sure of almost anything.....do i want to settle down here...i don't know...do i want to immigrate...i don't know....and even if yes....when i am going to start the process.....when its too late.....its just a matter of coupleof hours to go and meet someone about it....and i am unable to take out those two hours...pathetic...shameful...probably now i would do it......bloody i don't want to write too....i am feeling like banging my fists on keyboard.....and i am going to just that ...you see what cmes up....,z;s;l'/;.,/

jkjm,nuj,ikmn/;lxc/.,; \'

]':CXl;dx/

This is the result of bangingon keyboard.....thats whats happening to me too....i do all the banging on my mind and results i nothing but crap.....Help me someone.....pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeee!!!!

Pretty Busy.....

I would rather say hectic than busy.....and its set to get even more in coming days....Its been so long that i had actually forgot about thiss place unless rabh reminded me....A lot has happened in this time....personally and professionally.....first off i got promoted to Lead quality in just three months....Every Quality senior exec goes thriugh the same for that matter...so nothing great except the position itself....THE BAND 5....
I have actually been super busy these days...kind of that we usually read in magazines and articles....firebrand generation..always ready to work....chasing targets...no social life kinda thing...only social life present is ironically on office premises......and that i think is not healthy...literally and figuratiovely....Another thing that comes to my mind when i talk about my ofice is that only stress buster that most people know or use it to get drunk on weekends...that is i think more like a stress ball..you press it for sometime and then return it to its routine position.....
Another thing that i achieved in this period that i succesfully manged to watch moview Silsila..one with Amintabh & Rekha...you have to see it to believe it how beautiful Rekha can look....She can give close-ups like no one else can and really mean no one else....and only Yash chopra can give you a song right on opening of the filem without even a dialog or situation and still manage to make it look appropriate....also the romantic touch that was provided two songs back2back in movie...i haven't seen it in any other movie....Neela aasmaan so gaya and Dekha ek khwab, are literally back2back.....Romance on screen cannot get any better than this....


Lord help all....

Hmmm...lemme think....

First things first...i am really sorry for not being in here for so long now....i hope you don't think that i am back to my old ways....but believe me, i am really so busy that i get time to either sleep good or do other things...that includes blogging....

Coming back to the point, i hope you don't see the title of this post as sarcastic or written in absence of any appropriate title...this title is actually more appropriate to what is going around me these days...yes guys...i am having short term memory loss bursts..scary isn't it??? It sure is...you might think that forgetting keys or ID card is not a very big deal but believe me frenz it can be very scary...i lose my headset,my inventory & my record book almost daily and then i would find them somewhere and remeber that Yes, i left them there......It really is very very scary.....i am scared because someday i may forget something really important in a similar burst...and that may lead to God knows what....

On socio-personal level i have stopped drinking bacardi.....that doesn't mean that i won't drink at all..this means that i only drink vodka now and that without ANY dilution.....just shots...that i have tested can go upto 8 shots a night without throwing up.....

Sunny is sitting here with me now...he has just returned from his office....so i think i will shut up now....so long.....lord help all....

Another step taken???

I have taken another step professionally...i am a Quality Analyst now....WOW isn't that great....just in case you have noticed the Question marks in title of this post, why do you think they are there for? Don't ask me...i don't know...seemingly i got a knack of putting things in a perspective that is not very good at times...Now, i don't think thats very postive.. is it??? That doesn't mean that i have stared taking things in a negative manner nowadays but i think i have started underestimating myself...that would also mean that in pursuit of finding my way through this maze i am actually making my life tougher.....Now i am into a new role most probably i would be looking at brighter side of things now....see i just put this view into an alternate perspective too....thats me these days....again i say that i am not taking things negatively but just looking at them from an alternat perspective....This i think help look at things better because you have a more all around vision....
PS. This should have been posted on 21 december

A really good NEWS!!!

After a looonggg time, i have some real good news to share....i am blessed with a niece....Now, its a not so fresh news though॥its been exactly one week now..She is a week old....How i would love to have my first look at her...but for some very unusual reasons i am not able to go back home for now...and believe me or not its my logic thats holding me back...strange really it is...i don't remember when was the last time my logic stopped me from connecting to my people, from socializing, for giving priorty to personal relations rather than professional relations....

PS: This should have been here on 30th November, 2007

Depressed...Fallen.....Loser???

I was thinking about my office today and i found out something.....I think i discovered a new meaning for CK..nope..i definitely don't mean Calvin Klien..I think more appropriate use of CK would be Corporate Kill....Other than that you may have your own versions....I believe you got my sentiments here....All i wanna convey here is that you can be never sure about anything out here....you never know when its gonna hit you in the face...



I may sound depressed but the truth however is that YES I AM.....not of kind that i would be glum and sit idle all day long thinking into nowhere....well i must say this is kinda close...but i don't think about it unless someone actually brings about the topic....



I don't know where i am heading to....this job has started getting on my nerves...if don't move on to some new position in a couple of months i think i am going to go berserk.....not that i am desperate for some drastic change in my professional life but atleast there should be some progress...i have started having these sudden pangs of depression and desperation...seems like i don't know where i am heading....i am now constantly in fear...and irony is that its the same fear that kept me going all these year....fear of failure....failure of not being able to achieve somone's expectations......failure of not getting there...failure in love...failure in life....fear of rejection is another thing that i keep fighting all the time....my take at rejection is a bit different...if i am not at the center of attraction i feel people are ignoring me.....i am very touchy about not being at center of attraction....if someone does not think that i can do it than i take it personally even though that person may not even know about me.....my thought about myself is that I am the best there was..the best there is and the best there will be.....and i fight to keep it alive.....


what does that make me??? definitely not a loser.....right??? but then in htink that its not the time to decide yet...anyways what do i have to lose....nothing i believe, except my ego...but that is one of the two things i care about most...my image and my position.....this same self-reliance has taken me a long way from a small cute kid to being THE Sherry.....The ONE......but now i feel that i decide too much about things without letting other factors interfere...That would mean that if i consider something i say is not going to be the way i want it to be, then i would stick to it...thats perception i think....but then i think i will have to learn to mould my thinking and learn that there are other factors that can alter the normal course of things happening around us...

Have you noticed that how many time have i used the phrase "But then i think" in this whole post....sned me correct number and get a surprise gift..:-D...not really... but seriously have you noticed it??....maybe that explains my state of mind at this time.....i am not sure about most of the things...perhaps i am not sure about anything..SEE i am not even sure about it.....i need someone to give me something that i have always given to others....soe courage and wisdom to move on.....i feel like i am constantly chasing something...i don't know what....maybe you do....


God loves all.....

Change in me???

Wowie!!!!! I am adding to this blog second time in a month...Am i out of my mind??? Me being myself shouldn't be doing this....someone stop me......funny, eh? Well not so....This is something i have been planning for a long time now...if you go through my preious posts inhere you will notice that on almost every post i regret not being a regular here.....Probably its going to change now....but then, who knows???
I am feeling quite jolly NOW.....it isn't that i was feeling like this all day long but believe me listening to a jovial song can change your mood and it really work wonders....

The primary reason i decided to write today is that its Prabhmeet's Birthday....HAPPY BIRTHDAY buddy!!! I tried calling the jerk at midnight and got a sleepy shoulder(cold shoulder ;) ) Other than that he is a real gem of a person...one that i can't afford to loose...Public wisdom says that you need to make your friends carefully, but I say that you can't choose who will be your friends...However you can choose who will stay.....So obviously i have along list of "Friends" but then i decided to keep only 3. Yeah.... just 3...Prabh,Nikki and cheenu....sadly cheenu is not very approachable now...he has gone to Australia for furthur studies and better future as per him....but i am happy for him...it was always a dream for him to go abroad...now thats a diffrents story that he always wanted to go to canada or america.....All in all i am happy for him.....Nikki is quite happy at dreamweavers where he is working now....Growing by leaps and bounds....and my deal ol' prabhmeet.....not so sure about what he is gonna do..but i am pretty sure, if not him, that he is gonna make it big someday...he is a real phoenix....will definitely rise.....its in him....he is the kind of person who would stay low only to bounce back and reach new heights......

One more thing that differntiates him from other two is that he is least intrested in my sex life(i.e if i have one in the first place :-D) Nikki and cheenu are always devising some plans for mew on sexual front...no success so far....Also he, and of course me too, does that EFFORT to reach to people, to be in contact, to be there whenever you need him. He is the kind of person who will never be out of touch. Thats my Dilbar......

Nikhil on other hand is scheming type of us four...he has got a plan for everything and also to bypass everything....is a real wizard on such things....believe me, if i commit something in here to someone, he will be the one i will reach out to complete that commitment....I know only he can do it in jalandhar... If he says it can't be done..then, take my word, it cannot be....We call this highly sophisticated technology JUGAAD....So he is a great asset to Jugaad community....

Cheenu can be defined in three words...Girls, Money and Sex...Don't put put girls and sex in same category....his philosphy if you have dirty money, you can have hell of sexual life....and also you can get a decent girl for you....however he also contradicts that a good girl won't look much at the money you have...nowadays it seems he is involved more into second thing....and its justifed too...after all he is an alien country..he has to earn to learn and survive....because the type of families WE have means that self-survival is the only technique of survival at all......

I think thats enough for today... I will share some more insights about these people and many more shortly.....Bye for now....Chao....

Another one gone...

Another month gone....i don't know why i am not able to be more regular on here.....Everytime i decide to write something, someone has to walk in with some urgent work and....well talking about progress from last month i don't think there has been anything of importance personally or professionally..Though i am one step closer to being a senior CCS that is ofcourse if i get a top ranking this month too....that would also mean a step closer to being at ACTUAL next level...

On personal level, the more i try to get involved the more segregated i get...i feel like i am getting to a diffrent world all together...new people..new places...new everyone and everything....nowadays i also think about my relation with her...i don't know where this relation is going...that is if its going anywhere in first place...

Sometimes i start wondering, like i am right now, that where would it all end??? Where would i be finally settled??? or what would i be doing??? Will i migrate to somewhere...will i stay here in delhi...will i go back to jalandhar or chandigarh...exactly what would i be doing........And then comes the flash light....the thought that my time is NOW....I AM THE ONE....and that gives me strength to carry on..with all those thoughts..with all that burden...

I am trying to listen to silence around me....figuratively ofcourse......i tried literally too but beleive me its too difficult to handle....being the person i am its veru difficult to just sit there in complete silence and do nothing...there is that twitch to keep on doing something all the time...this was also one the primary reasons to start this blog....a place to vent out was ofcourse the other major one...sometimes i just want to get out of here,,but then i give it a thought and only one thing strikes me...get out to WHERE???
Please let me know if anyone has the answer.....

Long Lost.....

Here i am again....after such a long gap...and that too after repeated promises to myself that i will do it regularly....here i am coming back after more than a month; as always.



Coming to the point, I am still looking for some answers. For example, if i really want to be here or do i actually want to settle on this or THE BIG ONE, is this IT? I have noticed a considerable change lately in myself that i have started taking things as they come. Well, most of them. That would eventually mean lesser stress and upto some extent lesser responsibility or burden depending upon what your perception to it is.

There is not much happening at personal front too. But then i don't think that my personal and professional life out here is clearly, or even vaguely, segregated. This actually creates a bigger challange as i have to define the line each time and sometimes the two are so mixed up that i feel like retracting itno my shell. Just came to think of it that it has been a long time that i have been with ME.I remember sitting alone and thinking nothing in my college and even school days.Now seemingly i don't get enough time. I used 'seemingly' because i personally feel that we all have capability to take time out for whatever reason but for some weird cause we don't do it. Its been a long time since i had a long thoughtful talk with someone like i used to have with manisha or cheenu. You know the kind where you actually explain how the things are and how should you tackle them. Counselling type you see. To satisfy this hunger to counsel someone i actually started sharing my thoughts on the title that people keep on their profiles on orkut. Actually the only one i did this is Prabhmeet's sister Jasmeet. She and i actually shared a lot of insights on some of the good quotes that she kept as her title.

Talking of quotes, i came across a very interesting one today. And i quote "We thrive to know things to show off our knowledge." Its by Blaise Pascal. It kind of made me think and then i realized that how true it is figuratively if not literally. I am always in lookout to know something new because i am afraid that someone may ask something and i won't have any respectable answer or explanation. Its all relative i think. The way i projected by others makes me feel responsible to gain that extra becuase the reason they ask me something is that they are almost sure that i will know about or atleast can find out for them. This sometimes get scary.

On a more personal note i also noticed that once you are on your own and living without family people actually think or rather expect that you will have atleast one affair, one girl to go and make out with. Now i think that almost everyone thinks that i should have a girlfriend or rather must have one; and if i don't that translates to me being F*&^&*. But i thnk every relation comes with a certain degree of responsibility that one must be ready take. If i don't think that i can take it then i am probably good without one rather than failing it.. This strength comes from the fact that i have actually seen so much so early that i have taught my self to be neutal to most of the situations. People find it very difficult many of the times. I think that if its you can't control it then why worry about it.It would do you no good. And now i know from my personal experience that if you really love someone and you know that you cannot be with her for probably lifetime than it becomes more important that you let her know how much you love her and how important she is in your life.

So long........Good Lord....

Involved???Committed????I don't know.....

I didn't have anything to write about on here....i think that would explain the long absence...Ironical, isn't it, for someone whose job is to talk to people and solve their problems and sometime convince them against what they want to do? Now "want " is the magic word....you know we have to sometimes deal with the people who WANT us to do some kind of magic to solve their concerns no matter if they are possible or not But then i think its all relative. I would ask something i don't know to someone i think can solve it. If he/she tells me that its not possible only then would i come to know about it.otherwise i would kee trying and might never conclude that it cannot be done. Now as far as my personal experience goes i don't find many things that are not possible and don't even have a respectable workaround. Talking about workarounds, just came to think of it that one more thing i learnt recently is that you don't have to be MR.Know-it-all to be Mr.Perfect. You can actually delay certain things so gracefully that you still would be Mr.Perfect.
Its almost 11 months since i have joined this job out of my hometown. Seems like such a short time. I was at my home just yesterday and its already 11 months today.Time really flies. Now sometime i really stop and lookback to see how far i have come.....and i still don't know.....Everybody says that once i am a year old in the organization the world will open for me...and i don't deny the fact....yes the world will open for me but then....do i really want to embrace this world???................i don't know......this is the response that i get from myself these days for most of the questions i ask myself. Why do i ask such questions? ...i simply don't know...DO YOU?

Going back...

Hii,
Its been a long time since i have added anything to this blog or for that matter any other blog(as if i have any other). Life is going quite good. Seems like evrything is going as it should be. Its been almost a month since i have done any calling. First it was due to my exams and now i am on not quite fit to join back. Anupam sir my TL has shown great faith and full confidence. iam going to write him a letter of gratitude right now. Also the support of sachin and anshu has been immense. sachin has been like big brother. For all who don't about sachin or anshu, sachin was my trainer and tech lead; and anshu was our quality analyst. WAS is the keyword here. All my seniors have been immense help.
Will come back soon!!!!

Going Well !!!

Everything really seems to fall in place... I have shifted to a two bedroom apartment with two of my friends. Everything is going smooth enough to look forward to. Eerybody sees credibility in me..... But deep down i sometime fear this, as it may take me to my old mental state... All dragged down and worn out.... the same guy with something extra than he can handle... Its not that i am afraid of taking responsibilites but.... i don't know. On one hand i want to grow like no one else did in here... but on the other hand i am afraid i may get too many things to handle perfectly. after all the whole idea of the transition was to be more true to myself, to be more real and more practical ofcourse. Everybody has so much faith in me, rather i should say confidence. This gives me the power to go on and on and on and on. No trace of Aneet... Don't know if i would like to talk to her again or not.. i am in a big time dillema about her. Well somethings are better left undecided I think.

Well for the more mortal things i decided to join the ORKUT atlast. For those who don't about it( Although it has the probability of 1:10000000) its an online socializing website. The reason to join it was pure fun and sheer curiosity to see the effect of online socializing. I must admit it really is ADDICTIVE.

So long... So GOOD....

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Transition

Hii,
Atlast i have moved from my last position. Working with a big company now. Its a call center and i am just Specialist tech support... but hey, you have to start from somewhere. I am content with the fact that i have moved on with the life. My friends were happy to see the transition. My family is happy. But i can't say that all is well and everyone is happy for me. there are some persons who I think don't have the same feelings. But then, that's their choice. Their Personal Choice. I am still trying to deal with my inability to say NO. Need to work a LOT on it. but hey, it never feels bad anyway. I am sitting in my session waiting for my trainer. He is a bit late today. Seems like some transport issue. Well well well. All is well that ends well.

Didn't talk to Aneet since coming to Delhi. Just didn't feel like doing it. Somehow she is off my mind. I think i found some new priorities. Well the show must go on & yes, LIFE ROCKS!!!!!!

So far So GOOD.
Everything sems to fall in place.

None to help

Still where i was last time. Still nobody to guide to light.
As they say

And i quote
" Yeh kaisi hai dosti, ke dost ban baithe hain naaseh,
kaash koi gham gusaar hota, koi chaara-saaz hota"

that roughly means that
"How this friendship turns out that the friends have become preachers
only if they would have been the sharer or healer"

These are the only lines that i feel close to me these days, the lines that i can relate to in addition to darkness around me. Everybody says that i should be somewhere else and i don't belong to my current position. There are so much expectations and you don't know how heavy this load can be. I am my own victim, living in constant fear of not being upto someone's expectations. Too conscious about my image. Trying to be Mr. Good for All. Nobody is trying to have a look from my point.

I feel heartbroken. Ready to burst, cry like a child, put my arms around someone's neck, put my head on someone's shoulder but can't find a good one no matter where i look. Don't feel like returning to home. Nobody's waiting. nobody cares if live hell out of house.. No nothing. I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere i can relate to myself as being ME and not someone's bro or friend or pal or Mr. reliable.

So long.......

Why can't I

Today is 11 april of 2006 and the time is 20:03. I am looking in to myself and wondering what is it all about . Why do some people try to command over some other people? Why do they feel that whatever they do is the only right way. I feel that there are three ways to do a thing. The right way, the wrong way and the way i do it. Even then i i feel lost in here sometimes. everybody is expecting something out of me without caring for my position, my circumstances. One thing that i feel is responsib le for my this situation is my inability to say NO. Others are calling. BYE.

Feeling alone.

I am having this empty feeling today. Feels like there is no one to look upto int his hour of day in this whole wide world. Doen't seemd to know where the life is taking me. Seems like floating with the flow.No aim, no mean, no nothing.What once seemed a bright tomorrow now seems like an empty space. But sometimes it feels like there is light no matter however far it is.

There is nobody to talk. Gotta go now.