Test Entry

Using Ubuntu Blogging front-end for API

It doesn't matter anymore !!!

I have been losing my temper quite a bit these days... and it had made things turn to worse sometimes. I think I don't see the things as positive as I used to. It could also be a reason that there is not enough positive aura around me. People still think that it wasn't a right move to come back, and it is pressed against me time and again. I guess that the feeling was of being not wanted is the reason for short temperament. I think it all boils down to how you feel from within. If you feel that you are unwanted then YOU start thinking that why the hell should you care, and it shouldn't matter to people what you do if they don't want you here or are not exactly fine with it. Living with a condition is inherently different than accepting and embracing it.

At times I look back and try to decide whether it was correct to do what I did and decisions I took. Decision to move on with her, decision to leave all of it and come back or leave all this in the first place. Only answer that I get is that whatever I did was right in that context, but the real question is that was it worth it? Only reasonable outcome of it all is that it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter anymore if I loved someone, it doesn't matter anymore if I stayed back, it doesn't even matter anymore if I come back tonight or not. I guess only thing that matter is NOW. With all this arrogance and short temperament within, I don't know what is it going to be.

Yeh kya jagah hai dosto, yeh kaun sa dyar hain...

had – e – nigaah tak jahaaN, gubaar hee gubaar hai...

There is just news..Not Good or Bad

Evidently the times are bad. All I end up writing here is about deaths and bad things. Another one hit me last week. The count was to be two almost. I won't write about who were the people and what happened to them because it won't matter & to people whom it matters know it already.

    I have been pushing this post for so long now. and for the sole reason that I didn't have anything to add to it except obituaries and condolences. It had made me feel that there is nothing good around. I don't think I have heard any good news in quite some time now.

Ofcourse as an alternate theory, There is just news. Its not good or bad. All this has made me think about many things in tandem and look at things in a different perspective. I think with the passing of time all things are in there for a reason. Also, these events have strengthen my belief that everything that happens to us is a result of what we have done. Now it may sound a bit Zen or theological, but if you think upon it you may find me correct. I believe that this is how Karma behaves. Concept of Paap-punya is directly related to the luck or Naseeb as you may call it. In short, everything that you do or not do, comes back to you, Good or Bad. As an example, and pretty harsh one, WE did not care about the security of our office last year and it resulted in a burglary, which in turn upset many things. I guess my point here is that we should not only be seeing what we ARE doing but also what we are NOT doing. While doing ensures that you are moving forward, NOT doing would make things go even worse.

Coming back to more sane world, I think we are not doing too good professionally. I don't see how we are going to be businessmen. I am trying to change the mindset from self-employed to businessman but I think there is a gap. Either one of us, me or them, is assuming something. This assumption is I think the gap. Maybe its just the acquaintance that we have. Hmm.. Yes this could be the reason. Now it makes me think that since we all are so connected personally, we assume that the other one understands our Point of View. Now this is progress. I think I have found a gap while writing this, and this may help us look at the things from a new angle. Load off my chest.

Signing off...

Condolences

With a heavy heart, I write about untimely demise of another sister in such a short time। Ironically, her demise is connected to the birth of new being. Presh has lost her sister to a medical complication during final stages of pregnancy. No words can fill the void that she has left. May Lord give her rest and peace in His Holy Abode . May God also give strength to all the people connected to her to bear the loss.

Responses...

I went through Sachin’s blog sometime ago. He has expressed about the loss of one of his friends at workplace. It was a due to some layoffs by company but which was apparently not publicized. I guess it was the surprise element that provoked Sachin’s thoughts in the direction which translated to words on his blog. All, who want to go through what he wrote, can visit http://sachin-sud.blogspot.com for a scoop.

Those words pretty much reflected my thoughts. Thoughts, that occurred to me when I left Jalandhar around 3 years ago. It is indeed sad to know and go through a phase where you have to do away with people to whom you are so well connected. This connection can be physical, emotional or spiritual. This connection can still be strong enough even if you haven’t met the person, as in Sachin and his friend’s case. My question here is that do we actually need a connection to sustain a relation. What if that connection is severed? Can we not find another connection to sustain the relation? I guess the answer lies in the fact that if it was a relation to begin with? Or was it just a connection? If it was a connection, then I am afraid that it was bound to be broken; and if it was a relation then only thing that can kill it is lack of effort from either side to retain it. I have talked many times about the necessity and importance of effort in a relation. In any case, Sachin is not finished with his thoughts on it, so I may be commenting too early on it.

Coming back to me, it is now around two months after my return to Jalandhar. I think it has been a pretty fine period. I agree that it hasn’t been as great as I thought, but hey, it was never supposed to be a cakewalk. I guess breaking old traditions and systems is easier said than done. I feel that the most difficult part is to eliminate the micro management culture that is prevalent here. I want to setup a fine system where responsibilities can be delegated and taken care of. Not that responsibilities are not delegated now, but the level of micro management practically renders the practice useless. I guess it is no use handing something to someone and then keep on nagging every two minutes. It is like undermining his/her capability and making him/her feel their incompetence. Anyways, I know that it is a tough job but I also know that it will be done. Sooner than later.

Lord bless all.

Collecting thoughts

"Its been a long time since I have added anything here...A lot of water has passed under the bridge since my last post...Although it was more of retaliation than reflection of thoughts...."

This is how I started this post almost a week ago... Full of thoughts, rage and disappointment. There have been some intricate things going on that kept me busy throughout....Reflecting on which I think they were more trivial in nature than intricate...

Coming to recent things, I celebrated my birthday this week... It has been a great event, thanks to some great people... Had it not been a combined effort by all, it would have been a different night altogether... Everyone put their best to enjoy themselves... Manish with his knack to arrange for things at the last moment, Presh with his handling, Terry with his usual jovial self, Chabbra ji for uncut humor and Jagpal, Anshu, Vivek & Bhalla with their ability to enjoy without reservations; made it a grand success... You can visit http://picasaweb.google.com/harjotsandhu/BirthdayBash to see what it was like...

It was a real effort by my IBM folks. It was almost an insurmountable task to come to Jalandhar and get back to Delhi in span of 24 hours...

TO ALL, WHO REMEMBERED THE OCCASION, YOU MEAN A LOT...AND TO THOSE WHO FORGOT, I STILL LOVE YOU....

Hmmmmmm

I came in here to write something after completing one month off IBM. I had some disconnected and distinct thoughts that I wanted to share here... However, all that has taken a backseat now as I just went through a comment on my last post... It struck me like a sledge hammer and I had all the right and means to moderate the comment and not publish it. I however chose not to do so and let the spirit of free speech stay alive. This, it seems is not a mutual thought among many. As clearly intended from the said comment, our chosen way was off track to get our voices heard or opinion counted. The comment also sounded like placing me in the center of all that happened. My take on it is, that if I had an influence over others to do this to our leader, which clearly wasn't the case; then he deserved this. There is no point of it all if we can't take a feedback professionally, and I deny to clarify myself to anyone who thinks that it should have been taken personally and rated as such.

I guess there were enough efforts from the side to generate a dialogue which almost EVERYTIME ended up as an arguement and not discussion. I also see the root of the problem as people, who for all these years have denied to question the authority. I distinctly remember Ritesh telling me to introspect for EVERYTHING that I talked to him about. I guess he didn't introspect enough to foresee it. I would again point out that if I can influence people against a leader, then I think he is not the leader for them...

I guess this rage will not let me write about anything else at this time... So long. Lord help all...

Currently.......

Its been a week here now. It is actually more than that, 12 days that is. These days have been a very struggling as far as settling in goes. I am still not able to get a sleep of more than 6-7 hours & enjoy a weekend at home. This whole diaspora of being at home has not been realized yet. I guess it will take some time before feeling actually start to sink in.

I am still in touch with many of the IBMers, though its not much that we talk about. It is general chit chat and thats where it all ends. I definitely miss all of them. I miss messing with Ritesh, I miss singing with Atri jee, I miss gorging with Jagpal, I miss flirting with Mano, Sneha, Jo, Geetika, Shaleenee and who not; I miss baklol with Anshu, I miss desipan with Garry, I miss hindi with Vinay, I miss everything. I don't see a place to have late night snack & I don't see a place to buy the drinks after hours.

It seems like that you actually can't beat a metro at all, let alone NCR.

Yeh dilli hai mere yaar, bas ishq mohabbat pyar...

Old Place...New Beginning....

Here I am...Sitting in my offfice at Jalandhar.....Still trying to recover from Jet lag...It is day two and I was already off work for the day..Just come in to replace Terry for the rest of the time...He had to leave, you know...

I am still trying to figure out the system and things to do before actually implementing any improvements to it...I guess I am just a day old here and one waste elimination idea is not bad.....The idea though is not entirely mine, but what good is an idea without implementation....
I think that options are available in abundance for changes to be made..The tough thing is to decide on what to do and how to go about it... Also the expectations and accountability is almost on magical levels, it seems... Nothing new though... Problem this time, however is that, that is why I am here now.... In case there are any issues in changes or transitions, I don't think I can justify myself...Not that I need to explain it to anyone, but to myself as well... I guess thats criminal's guilt building up.... Leaving IBM seems like leaving home now.. The feeling has finally started to build up and I hope it subsides too....
मुझ से बिछ्ढ़ के खुश रहते हो,
मेरी तरह तुम भी झूठे हो.

Ex-IBMer... Current professional...

I am an Ex-IBMer finally...It has been a highly speculative time... Some people believing it all to be a big joke that turned out out to be shocking truth... Now, I didn't feel any different today than any other day at office. Everything was so usual except the people's behavior toward me... They had this feeling that I can't describe.. Everyone was talking abut the same thing and asking the exact same questions...Some people still found it hard to believe that I would not be walking the calculus floor again...Not for quite some time at least...

Question that comes to my mind now is that if it will make any difference in my mindset...Will not being a part of IBM make any difference in how I look at myself....This is keeping in mind that I was a minuscule part of it and it actually didn't make any difference to the bigger universe...People move in and out of organizations everyday...I have taken the jump but will I be able to cross the quarry...After being so detached to and independent of family, Will I be able to hold on to all of it at once..Will it not overwhelm? I know it sounds negative and foolish, especially when there is no looking back...but the question still remains...

I guess Gaurav wins here...Its My way or Highway.....

Crossing the Iron Curtain...

Finally, I have decided to move on from my current position...Yes..I have resigned from IBM and now moving back to Jalandhar to join Impel....yet again..The decision has not been taken on impulse nor has it been decided overnight...It has taken a long time and a lot of thought..Of course it has its own share of speculations to it, but overall it has been a very much thought of step.. I have taken into consideration the valuable inputs from all around including, but not limited to, Prabh, Jagpal, Anshu & Nikhil. Yet manu other have expressed their doubts and concerns about the move , i guess overall it has been received well....The decision that is....Sunny is visibly upset about it, sole reason being that he would be left alone in almost a quarter of a year. Same sentiments have expressed by others at office as well, primarily Ritesh and Anshu. Jagpal has in hidden words said so as well(mai bhukkha reh jaana kanjra) but I think he is happy for me overall...

Professionally, I think it would be smart to move to my core skill. Something that I have attached myself since my school days. Impel. I don't think I can detach myself from it anyways, with or without working with them. I consider it more of working with them instead of working for them. The feeling about fact that I would be returning to base in 10 days or so is very different. I don't think I am feeling anything different though. It is mixed with pangs of sadness, confusion, sympathy and what not, but I guess it is all part of game. that is what it is at end of the day. A game which we all are trying to beat the life at.

प्यास बुझा सकता नहीं, मेरी बस इक्क पैमाना

मुझको तोह बस पीना है मय्खाने का मयखाना.

Transitions..Changes..Broader Views...

These past 15 days have been a heck of a time...Too many things and I guess too short of a time...

First things first, Gopi got married last weekend..yep our own Casanova is now committed to one.

The occasion however brought it's own set of problems for us..First we had to find a new place for us, that is Me, Prabh & Sunny. Believe me it has been the toughest job since landing in Delhi. We are finally settled into a PG now...Yep, provided the current condition we are in, it is better to live in a PG....

Second significant thing that has happened in this period is that Kapil has resigned from his position as DM quality to join another organization in a better position and better conditions. For all those who don't know who he is, I guess it doesn't matter to them. Obviously, if you don't know him then it should not concern you. Its been a quite an experience working with him. And I must say that it has not been pleasant ride all along. As with any other relationship, personal or professional, this one also had its ups and downs. We hated to love him and loved to hate him at times...It was other way round as well at some point...But I guess that happens with everyone, everywhere. Honestly, no grudges or regrets...It is all part of game I guess...You win you lose but you keep on playing... Thanks Kapil...for being there..doing that....

Third thing that is over my mind these days is actually an urge, not an event. I have this strong feeling of leaving all this and returning back to my place. This thought has been triggered by a proposal to join Impel, back at home, somewhat persistently. Manish and Terry has offered me to join back in better position and improved conditions. I would be leaving for Jalandhar this weekend to discuss he proposal. I might decide to return to base finally. I have my reservations to it though। In case I don't fit in there, like I felt earlier, I don't think I have the option to move out and start all over like I did 3 years ago. This decision would decide if these three years were invested or wasted. I have been trying to talk to Ritesh (my manager) about it for last couple of days but he is too busy to talk about anything else. I don't want it be a surprise for him. I guess it would be a shock for him. Although I know that he won't acknowledge it.

I guess somethings are better left to destiny. They should be dealt only when faced with them.

Lets see...It is just a couple of days before I am actually into the mode to decide about it. This would need a lot of thought and urging (self-urging rather) to make a move. Now I understand what crossing the Iron curtain mean.

Again. These are for you Kapeel.. :-)

करोगे याद तोह हर बात याद आयेगी, गुज़रते वक्त की हर मौज ठहर जायेगी ।

गली के मोड़ पे सूना सा कोई दरवाज़ा, तरसती आंखों से रास्ता किसी का देखेगा,

निगाह दूर तलक जाके लौट आएगी.

Condolences !!!

This post is dedicated to condole the loss of a dear one to one of my best friends....Anshu has lost his sister to unforeseen... No words can fill the void that the departed has left and no one can replace the any other person...She was what she was and no one can be her...or take her place...Yet so is the world's doings...We must move on....May the lord give Her family the power to bear the grief and move forward... May lord be with her and keep her in his shelter forever and ever....
कभी देखो मन नही जागे, पीछे पीछे सपनो के भागे,
एक दिन सपनो का राही चला जाए सपनो के आगे.

Disconnected Thoughts...

I see darkness... Darkness out there...Darkness in here...darkness standing on terrace...darkness sitting in a room...darkness of the night...darkness of the mighty heart...this makes me think...or this thinking makes me ponder..why is it such dark everywhere..be it me, anyone or anything..everything is of a dark shade..Even white seems like a faded shade of black...And no, I am not depressed or under influence of alcohol at the moment...and I am not frustrated at this time too... Its just that the thought came along with many other...

Other thoughts..that include my carrier, people around me..people far from me, people close to me & people away from me...I don't see the reason for being so connected...yet so disengaged...no one actually gives a damn about anything other than what directly or indirectly concerns them...Heck they don't even care about things that affect them indirectly...

And what about love...has there to be a commitment to it..has there to be a condition to it....
I know what you are thinking Prabh(meet), but its not about her alone...Its about any kind of love that you might think of...family..friends..work....anything....I prided myself for being a workaholic..but that love for work doesn't exist anymore...does that make me less committed to it..I don't think so...So if commitment doesn't demand love...How come love needs commitment...and if they are mutually independent..then why the hell do we have to talk about getting it out of our minds...I guess you see where I am getting to...I don't want to venture into that territory... I really don't want to..Let it rest here...

हजारों ख्वाहिशे ऐसी के हर ख्वाहिश पे दम निकले,
बहुत निकले मेरे अरमान, मगर फ़िर भी कम निकले.

Near future....Don't know....

I have taken a step to move away from my current situation...Problem is that I am not sure if that is what I will do... Of course I want to end all this and return to normal life, if it exists that is...but then, what do I need to do..or do I even need to do anything or just wait...I hope waiting is not what I should be doing...It is wise to make the hay while sun shines..So I should start the efforts now and look for things as they come... Its no harm in being prepared...

I even got an offer to return to base...in new improved conditions...My hesitation is that the conditions might come across again which forced me to jump the curtain last time...People are of opinion that this would not happen but then if it does, I don't think I can do another transition....All these choices are actually making things worse for me...and these aren't even realized into choices..these are just plans that are being formulated around me....

Returning back to base also would have some loss of face attached to it I guess.... Maybe returning is not an option..Maybe it is...but then that all would need an intimate, if not lengthy, discussion... A small pep talk is not enough to help me decide on such a big decision....I need someone to talk about it heart to heart...Another difference is that people are not assertive to this idea to the extent that they were sometime ago...If it would have been an offer a year or so earlier, I guess enough people would have plainly denied on it..but now, to almost everyone I talked to about it, sounds OK about it...Of course they have their own reservations but they are not the same kind that they had earlier..

So I don't know what future holds....not that anyone else knows but I don't even know what the flow is and where might I land up in a year or so...Help me decide...

Frustration...All around !!!

I have realized something this weekend...that frustration is much more prevalent than it seems...There are more people affected by it than what I am able to see...The realization came to me when I was consoling someone...We were talking about the frustration in both personal and professional life...and the question she posed was "Why me?" The answer came to me like a lighting bolt and in almost a reflex action I rattled it off...It wasn't actually an answer to her question but more of response to it...and that made me feel better as well personally. I said, and realized too, that there is no way we can know that it is happening only to us..There might be other people who are dealing with similar or may be more stress than us...Can anyone tell that she is in so much pain by just looking at her..No..not even the people she meets at the office daily...Similarly you can't tell what others are going through.... So stop pitying yourself and move on...

Then I realized that the same applies to me as well...Why be so frustrated with people around me... Why take it out on them??? After all this whole frustration thing is based on the assumed premise that it is happening only to me and all other are better off....Now this maybe right or wrong..but there is no way to know...So moving on is the only option that we have...

यूं तो मालूम है जन्नत की हकीकत लेकिन,
दिल के खुश रखने को ग़ालिब ये ख्याल अच्छा है...

Taste buds...Yummmmm!!!!

Hurrayy!!!! It is my 50th post ...and what better topic to write other than food and celebrations....

Naseer, one of my peers, got married last week... and by virtue of which I had my long desire fulfilled..to eat hardcore Muslim food..and believe me..it tastes as good as it looks....I don't remember when was last time I had such subtly flavored chicken lolly pop...or so soft Seekh kebabs....

Now some of you might find it offensive that I should be eating hardcore Muslim food being a Sikh...but I have another view on it...One, I shouldn't be eating any kind of meat in the first place...Second, If I do, that is eat meat, it shouldn't matter how is it cooked because you can't guarantee if its jhatka or halaal sitting in a restaurant....So my advice...go on and indulge if you eat meat....It doesn't matter who or where is it cooked as long as its hygienic..or at least projected to be hygienic....I mean what you don't know doesn't hurt you....kind of twisted but I call it reverse logic....

So coming back to wedding part..It was quite a lavish and liberal wedding compared to what we had imagined...lots of ladies around..and good food too..We had so much snacks that we could only so much for main course...It was a Non-vegetarian's heaven out there that night... and then we had a lazy cup of coffee at CCD while returning...Incidentally there were four Muslim women and a couple of guys at the CCD...All four ladies were wearing burkha...Seems like it was Muslim night out... :-)

I am craving for some more of the similar food...Probably I would end up eating some usual kebabs or chicken dishes...I think its time to sign-off coz writing about all this is pushing me more towards craving for the food....

Go on..Indulge...

Out of the Box...Really?

I was just going through the newspaper when an Advert caught my Eye...It was about a session by someone from American Society of Quality(ASQ). One of the topics that he was to talk about was thinking out of the box... It really made me think and a whole chain of thoughts unfolded...

I think that this whole concept is self contradictory...I may not be entirely correct but then, someone needs to clarify it...By definition thinking out of the box would mean thinking beyond your boundaries or from a new perspective...That means that we first need to define the box...and so that would mean that you must acknowledge the boundaries or blocks around you...I feel that this acknowledgement of the 'box' itself contradicts the concept...What or who, then, would decide what the box is...It cannot be you... because if you think that you are thinking out of the box that means you have decided upon the box...but what made you decide on that box size...You can define the domain of your authority...but can you really decide upon domain of your thinking?

So is this whole concept of thinking out of the box a management fad?....Seems so...but then..who knows...someone might have greater clarity on it...Lets see...I will comeback to it if I have some more insight...

Another transition???

I have spent time to introspect since my last post...and thought of another transition has crossed my mind more than once....Thought of leaving it all and starting onto something different..entirely out of it...where my work would decide what would it be and not other way around....of course every job is designated by some vision and goal but the kind of contorted vision that we are made to follow all this time has made me look at all this from a different point of view altogether... Maybe I will join Prabh in quest to finding a better option..Better in terms of personal life and peace of mind..probably job security and better prospects..This is not taking me anywhere...3D vision has started fading as it seems dark all around....All this time spent is all waste if there are no opportunities in here...that is I think the biggest problem of all... All the experience that you garner over time is of no use anywhere else...unless you are in managerial position for quite sometime of course...but that kind of position and profile is something that I don't see coming for quite sometime...and I am not the only one with this view...Seemingly this is common all around....from senior leadership to Operation workforce...FLs, TLs, DMs.....All seem to be bitten by the reality bug..but it probably is too late to deal with it...it is all uphill from here....and I don't mind going uphill if I know that there is a peak and I have it in visible range...no matter how far it is, I want to see the peak so I can decide to walk the path...Problem is I don't see the peak..I bloody don't even see the road to it.... All I can say is that these are tough times and I need to work it out before I go berserk and take some desperate &  disastorous step...

Itni shakti hamein dena daata...mann ka vishwas kamzor ho na....

Trip to heaven....and back

I was on a short trip recently to Amritsar... A real short one which infact was longer than my usual visit home..an extended weekend that is...I t was me, Jagpal, Anshu & Vivek on this trip...and all of us were us...No office, no targets, no KRAs, no nothing...

It had been a relaxing trip overall...Mentally at least, if not physically... Phsically we were kind of exhausted with virtual continuous travel...Delhi to Jalandhar to Amritsar to Jalandhar to Delhi....Three places..three days..and we were back on third day.....This trip has given me what I longed for quite sometime...a break..a  much needed break....

But it has been quite a different experience after coming back....I believe that everything that we experience is relative...and in this environment of relativity one have enough reasons to pity himself and/or commend himself....Whatever I do would be good compared to one thing and worse in comparison to another...The recent couple of days have been very unusual at the office...I have never seen the environment so uncertain...It seems like the Aura has taken a permanent dip... I see no positivity around me... All that I feel is a silence and sense to conceal things that may have some hideous faces...and this concealing dips the Aura further...I think its no use hiding things that are to be revealed sooner than later. It think this is the time where we need each other more than anytime in past or in any near future...The time sure is make or break but the real test lies in standing against whatever comes our way...As Sylvester Stallone said in Rocky VI,"It doesn't matter how hard you hit. What matters is how hard a hit can you take and still move forward" . So I am gearing myself for the hit...It may or may not come my way directly, but a hit is waiting...waiting in the shadows...stealthily..stalking me...everytime...everyday...That is one of the primary reasons that I try to be as cheerful as I can..to conceal the fear....to be there...ready to take the hit.... 'coz.....

I WILL NOT DIE !!!