The day hasn't been as hectic or busy as I thought it would be. Most of it was practically wasted doing nothing, except maybe thinking about settling some chores. I think that is maybe becuase of the envirnoment I am currently in. Most of it however was my own will and accord.It seems like I have stopped approaching things as I once did. In retrospection, I miss being a quality analyst. Now, this is purely genric terms and in nomeans my days at IBM. This is more about the learning and style of work that I adopted. That was the major part of my thoughts today in the "wasted time".
The very thought that I am 'almost there' in everything that I do hit me like a rock. I somehow am missing the bulls eye. Now, it may be just a rough patch I may be doing something wrong. Maybe this is how it works. I don't know. I don't think that I can talk about it. Strangely I, who usually have something to talk about anything, don't have exact words to describe the feeling. It feels like I am losing my grip on things around me. I know what you are thinking Anshu but this is not frustration or aggravation or anything like that. Its just the feeling which I don't have a word for. In my language, Saala kuch khaas samajh nahi aa reha. Maybe I should act upon your advice. Let the flowing waters flow and keep on doing what I can. This however puts me in a different position. My nature won't let me watch everything from the sidewalk. Somehting inside will always push me to be in there and try and do what I can. I guess I will let time decide what should be the case. Maybe the recent incidents at the workplace would change some things around me. It may be also be just an impulsive action.
This turns my thoughts to another nuisance that I have to deal a lot with. Impulse. It is so strongly inherent in the system that it is almost impossible to fight with. Major reason that you can't oppose an impulsive action is that both legitimate effort and impulsive action start at the same note. They differ at how they end. A legitimate change or action would sustain whereas an impulse would soon fizz out. Anyways, I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Dated: 2nd December, 2009
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